


You Don’t Know How Lucky You Are

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Hair Loss, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Illness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sick Hinata Shouyou, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2019-08-23 19:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 28,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16625384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A story of returning nightmares and battles fought by love.(If life was a movie, oh you would be the best part.)





	1. a high, high wall

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! i’ve had this in the works for a bit, so i hope you enjoy. not sure when the next chapter will be up, though.

He was on a volleyball team- for real this time. Not one that he made up because his school didn’t have one, not one made up of people he begged to join until they did because they were simply annoyed. No, Hinata was on a real volleyball team at a high school with a reputation.

 

He would be the next Little Giant. Mark his words. Nothing and no one was going to stop him.

 

Hinata had gotten his strength back. He’d worked incredibly hard the past year and a half to gain back the muscle he’d lost, and he wasn’t planning on letting it go to waste. He needed to show Kageyama Tobio that he wasn’t the weak kid that he was when they met in middle school. He was stronger now. Much, much stronger.

 

Now he was officially on the Karasuno Boys Volleyball Team. There was a while where he and Kageyama- mostly Kageyama- almost blew it, but once they got through with their three on three match they were deemed worthy members of the team.

 

Hinata was a worthy member of the team.

 

Now it was their first practice, and they were sitting on a circle, per the request of the vice captain, and introducing themselves. None of them had a chance to get to know each other yet, what with the whole Kageyama-Hinata-Arguing-Fiasco, so now was as good a time as any, right? So they each had to say the most interesting thing about themselves.

 

He learned that Daichi knew how to drive a forklift because he frequently helped his father with his construction business, Suga had won several baking competitions when he was a kid, and Asahi started growing his hair out because his little niece liked to play with it, and then he just came to like it way too much. Nishinoya was born very premature and that attributed to his small stature, and Tanaka lived alone with his sister most of the time because his parents were usually away on business, so he was, as he liked to call it, “party central.” They kept going around the circle and learned more and more about each other, sharing snacks as they did, and then it was Hinata’s time to share.

 

“I used to have cancer,” he said. “Leukemia. I finished treatment a year and a half ago.”

 

Everyone was silent for a second, and he began to worry. Should he not have said that? He expected them to ask questions right off the bat.

 

“Really?” The question came from Nishinoya. “You’re okay now, right?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Hinata said, smiling and scratching the back of his neck. “I still have to get tests and stuff every so often, but otherwise I’m fine!”

 

“How long were you sick for?” Hinata was surprised to see that Kageyama asked that question.

 

“Almost two years,” he said. “That’s how long treatment lasted, but the last year and a half I’ve been getting stronger again.”

 

“How bad was it?” Again, the question was from Nishinoya.

 

“Well, it was pretty bad for a while. There was a time where I got really really sick and I was in the hospital for a really long time, but I think it could have been worse.”

 

Tanaka spoke next. “Were you all bald and-“

 

“Okay, I think that’s enough questions for Hinata,” Daichi said.

 

They went on around the circle and when they finished they got to practicing. Hinata never felt more alive than when he was running and jumping to his hearts content. He played and spiked and while everyone complained about having to do laps and drills, he loved it. He loved pushing his body as far as it would go, and man could it go far.

 

There were times, though, when he may or may not have pushed it a bit too far.

 

Hinata ran a couple of extra laps one practice- only one or two, just because he was done before everyone else and because he had to do more than Kageyama. After that they did a three on three match and at the beginning of the third set, Hinata felt himself begin to sway. He knew then that he should sit down for a second, but he couldn’t let them think he was weak, so he kept going.

 

It was a mistake. He knew it was when he woke up on the floor.

 

His head was resting in Suga’s lap and the third year’s worried face was leaning over him. He winced.

 

“You okay, Hinata?”

 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, sorry about that. I’m fine.” He pressed his hands into his eyes. “Just got tired, I guess.”

 

Everyone was silent while Hinata breathed for a minute before slowly pushing himself off the ground. He faltered when his elbows felt like they would buckle underneath him, but someone linked their arms under his armpits and helped him to his feet. He looked behind him to who was helping him to the bench and saw Nishinoya holding him up.

 

“Thanks, Noya,” he said.

 

“No problem, Shouyou,” he said. “Call me Yuu.”

 

Hinata smiled. “Okay.”

 

He was pushed to lay down on the bench and urged to call his mother, but Hinata insisted that he was fine as Suga, Daichi, and Ukai all crowded around him.

 

“I swear I’m okay to play this year,” he said. “I just get tired sometimes. I’m strong enough, I promise. Please don’t kick me off the team.”

 

“No ones kicking you off,” Coach said. “Just take it easy, alright? Have someone walk you home, too.”

 

He nodded. Each of them ruffled his hair or patted his shoulder and walked away, leaving him drinking greedily from his water bottle and watching the last twenty minutes of practice from the bench. Even though he couldn’t play for the rest of practice, he wasn’t upset. They didn’t kick him off, and that was enough for him. He was still on the team.

 

So when Hinata was walking home with Kageyama and the latter was staring at him, just silently sending glances in his direction, he snapped.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“I- Because you- Whatever, I’m not.”

 

“I’m not sick anymore, Kageyama,” Hinata declared. “I’m perfectly fit to play on this team, and I don’t care what you say or what you think. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

 

“I don’t want to get rid of you!” Kageyama looked hurt for a second, then the normal expression of anger overtook his face once more. “Just shut up. Unless you want my fist in your face to be the next reason you pass out.”

 

Hinata smiled. He couldn’t get enough of this. This life of normalcy and of... of volleyball. It had its quirks, like passing out during practice because maybe his stamina was still a bit low, but it was still wonderful. It was his wonderfully normal life with his wonderful friends. He was ready to grab life by the horns and ride it.

 

So he would.


	2. something my soul needs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this instead of writing the two essays i have due on monday (one is 10 pages and one is 5 pages oof) also i am excited for thanksgiving dinner ok bye

Hinata was practically skipping on the way to practice, Kageyama by his side. They now walked to and from school together every day because their paths met where the town of Karasuno began. They bickered over small things the whole way there, as they had gotten especially close in the past couple of weeks since Hinata’s passing out incident.

 

Hinata began to realize that Kageyama wasn’t some horrible self centered king, he was just an awkward teenage kid that didn’t really know how to make friends. They sort of clicked in a weird way.

 

Now as they went into the gym, Hinata stopped in the doorway. Kageyama shoved past him, muttering about how he was weird and needed to get out of the way, but he was just gripping the side of the wall. If he let go he feared he would fall to the ground in a fit of dizziness. Once he was able to shake it off, he moved further into the gym.

 

Hinata took no notice of his infrequent dizzy spells. They only existed because he was still getting his strength back. He wasn’t at one hundred percent and his doctors told him that he may never be again, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. So what if he got dizzy sometimes or passed out if he didn’t take breaks? No one else even noticed most of the time- that was how minor his symptoms were. He could live just like this for the rest of his life and be perfectly happy.

 

They ran some laps and Hinata kept trying to get in front of Kageyama, but the latter kept pulling ahead. He kept exerting himself further and further until he got dizzy once again and slowed to a stop. The rest of the team stopped several feet ago, anyways. Kageyama stopped running a few feet ahead of him and turned around, pointing at him.

 

“Ha!” Kageyama laughed. “Beat you- Again.”

 

Hinata scowled, feeling his eyes water in frustration. “Shut up,” he said, pouting.

 

Kageyama scowled back and they moved on to more drills, Hinata still feeling dizzy on and off all throughout. He knew he should take it easy, but he honestly didn’t care. He couldn’t let Kageyama keep beating him at everything. So when they were practicing their quick, Hinata kept spiking and spiking, even when his knees felt weak and his head felt full.

 

Once again, he didn’t even realize he passed out until he woke up. Kageyama caught him this time and was basically cradling him in his arms while he opened his eyes.

 

“Ugh,” Hinata groaned. “I...” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, I’m just...” He covered his face in frustration.

 

“It’s okay,” Suga said. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” the redhead replied.

 

After a few minutes, he slowly got up. He wasn’t quite as unsteady as last time- probably because he waited longer before standing. Just like last time, he sat the bench until the end of practice. Just like last time, Kageyama walked him home.

 

“Let me know if you need a break next time, okay?”

 

“‘Kay.”

 

Kageyama raised an eyebrow. “What’s your deal? You’ve been acting weird.”

 

“Nothing.” Hinata crossed his arms.

 

“Bullshit,” Kageyama exclaimed, stopping in his tracks and grabbing Hinata’s sleeve to stop him as well. “Spill it.”

 

“I just...” He looked to the ground. “I wish I was stronger, you know? I wish I could run as far as you, or jump as high.”

 

Kageyama shuffled on his feet uncomfortably. “You... You can still run fast- and jump high. You’re still a good player.”

 

“Not as good as I want to be.” Hinata lowered his head even further. “Not as good as you.”

 

“Uh! Dumbass, you are as good as me. Hell, you’re probably better. Just in different areas. You’re a better team player than I am. Even if you can’t run as far as me, you can run faster.”

 

Hinata was silent for a moment. “I guess,” he decided to say.

 

“Good,” Kageyama said. “Now you just need to keep trying to improve- but not too hard.”

 

Hinata chuckled, breathing out through his nose. “Okay, whatever.”

 

Throughout the rest of the week, Kageyama’s words and compliments echoed throughout his head. Words that told him that he deserved his spot on his team the way he was. Regardless, he began to get discouraged. Especially when instead of getting better, he was getting more and more tired quicker and quicker. His jumps were lower and his spikes were less and less powerful. What was he doing wrong? Why did he feel so bad all of the time when he was working so hard to get better?

 

By the time the third week of his decline rolled around, he’d had enough. He walked into practice and even though he felt particularly bad that day, he ran as fast as he could during their warm up laps. He already felt cold and sweaty all at the same time, but he still ran as fast as he could. As soon as his heart rate increased and his breath began to quicken, he felt lightheaded. Hinata didn’t care. He pushed and pushed and pushed until-

 

Hinata felt himself go down this time. He felt his knees start to buckle and he remembered thinking that things would be much easier if he just went to sleep. He must have gone to sleep, because when he woke up everyone looked ten times more worried than they had the other times.

 

“He’s waking up,” Nishinoya said. “Shouyou? You okay?”

 

“Ye- Ugh!” His mouth felt like it was full of cotton and he coughed. “Mm-hmm,” he settled on.

 

“Get him some water,” Suga said, Hinata watching his lips move from where he was being held by... Kageyama, maybe?

 

Yes, it was Kageyama again. Probably because they were running so close to each other.

 

“Hinata, you’re burning up,” Kageyama commented.

 

“Just ran,” Hinata retorted tiredly after Suga helped him take a drink of his water. “Of course I’m hot.”

 

“That was just the warm up,” Suga said, placing the back of his hand against Hinata’s forehead. “You barely even ran. You shouldn’t be this warm.”

 

Hinata let out a loud breath. “I’m fine. Just... Just let me-“

 

He shoved everyone’s hands away and started to get up, but his entire head started throbbing and pounding to the rhythm of his heart and he would’ve fallen roughly back on the floor had it not been for Kageyama’s hands catching him once more. Hinata whimpered as he was placed back down on the floor.

 

“Nishinoya,” Ukai said. “Go see if the nurse is in.”

 

The libero nodded and ran from the gym, switching his shoes at the door. Hinata covered his face with his hands and felt tears beginning to wet his palms.

 

“I’m fine,” he said, but the waver in his voice said differently. “I swear, I’m fine.”

 

There was a hand ruffling his hair and he didn’t know who it was, but he was thankful that they were there.

 

“It’s okay, Hinata,” Suga said.

 

Hinata only let out another whimper.

 

There were footsteps rushing into the gym and Hinata brought his hands away from his face, wincing at the light.

 

“The nurse isn’t in,” he said.

 

“Where’s your phone,” Ukai asked Hinata. “Is it in your bag?”

 

“Yeah,” the spiker replied.

 

“Suga, go call his mom.”

 

“No!” Hinata whined. “No, don’t make her come all the way here. I’m fine, I-I promise.”

 

“Hinata,” Daichi said, from where he’d been kneeling silently for some time. He gave him a raised eyebrow that told him that he needed to relent.

 

“Okay,” he said quietly. ”Call her.”

 

Hinata was helped quietly to the bench as Suga spoke on the phone to his mother, who said she’d be right over. He leaned on Kageyama, who stiffly crossed his arms but didn’t push him away, until his mom pulled up outside of the gym. She got out of the car with a sort of sad smile on her face, ready to carry her son, but Suga was already helping him to the car.

 

“Hey, Shouyou, what happened?”

 

“I passed out.”

 

She looked to his team. “Thank you for taking care of him,” she said.

 

“It was no problem,” Ukai said. “Hinata, let us know how you feel tomorrow. Rest up.”

 

Hinata nodded.

 

When they were both in the car, Hinata’s mother spoke in a soft, cautious voice.

 

“Do you need to go to the doctor?”

 

“I just want to go home.”

 

“We were told to go in as soon as we saw any symptoms-“

 

“These aren’t symptoms,” Hinata said sternly, probably too sternly. He lowered his voice. “I’m just sick. My immune system is still weak, so I got sick, and my body is still even weaker so I passed out. It’s no big deal. I just need to wait until I get better.”

 

His mother sighed. “Alright.”

 

She didn’t seem so sure, and neither was he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! next chapter should be up... whenever i get it done lmao


	3. casimir pulaski day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Kageyama

Kageyama walked home slowly, staring at his feet the whole way. He hoped that after Hinata went home the rest of practice would be cancelled, but Ukai wasn’t going to let them slack off just because they were upset.

 

He didn’t like practicing without his spiker. Whenever Hinata had to sit out, volleyball felt just like it did in middle school- almost like a chore that he felt compelled to complete by some force within him that was hungry for victory. Most things were like this, concerning Hinata. When the redhead was in the picture, color came into his life. Things stopped being grey and he felt his heart flutter. He didn’t exactly know what to do with the feeling, but he did know that he finally had a friend. An actual best friend.

 

Kageyama dragged his feet as he walked through his front door, not exactly being quiet when he closed it. His dog- well, his mother’s dog- started barking and ran to greet him, walking in circles by his legs. Kageyama walked past him and into the kitchen where his mother was just heating up dinner.

 

“Hey, sweetie,” she said. “How was school?”

 

“Okay,” he said. “How was your day?”

 

“Good,” the woman replied.

 

His dad moved into the room, ruffling Kageyama’s hair as he did. The setter huffed and combed his hair back down with his fingers.

 

They sat at the table and his parents made small talk, Kageyama only picking at his meal as the dog’s tail smacked against his ankle.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Tobio?”

 

Kageyama looked at his father. “Yes, why?”

 

“You seem... Grumpier than usual,” the man said. “That’s all.”

 

“My, uh... My volleyball partner keeps passing out at practice. He went home today with a fever.”

 

His mother raised her eyebrows. “Oh, that’s not good. Is he okay?”

 

“He said it’s just because his body is still weak. He used to have cancer.”

 

“At such a young age?” His father exclaimed. “See, we were blessed with how healthy you’ve always been. Do you have the boy’s phone number?”

 

“Yeah,” Kageyama said. “I just don’t want to bother him.”

 

“I’m sure he’ll be glad to know someone’s thinking of him,” his mother said.

 

Kageyama thought about Hinata’s extroverted personality and how much he loved attention.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.”

 

After dinner, Kageyama sat on his bed and stared at his phone, typing out messages and then deleting them.

 

KAGEYAMA — Hello, Hinata, it’s Kageyama. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Did you go to the doctor?

 

No, that was too much.

 

KAGEYAMA — It’s Kageyama. How are you feeling?

 

That was good. He sent it and was left staring at his phone for several minutes before he realized it was kind of pathetic to be waiting so adamantly for a reply. Just as he was about to close his messages and put down his phone, he saw the three dots pop up in the left bottom corner of his screen. Shortly after came a reply.

 

HINATA — Hi Kags! Still not feeling good, but I’m resting. Thanks for worrying!

 

He typed out a “you’re welcome” and placed the phone down, completely ignoring the fact that Hinata just called him “Kags” and lying down on his bed. Something in his stomach told him that he should be worried, so worry he did.

 

The next day, Kageyama went to school and, just as expected, Hinata didn’t meet him on the walk over. He wasn’t at morning practice or any of their classes, and Kageyama pulled out his phone at lunch to text him.

 

KAGEYAMA — Hey, do you want me to get your work for you? Feel better.

 

He sent it and, once again, waited for a reply. This time, he didn’t get one back. Kageyama reluctantly put his phone back in his pocket and went back to eating his food. Hinata would surely text him back eventually.

 

The day went on and Kageyama never received a text back. He began to worry even more by the time last period rolled around, so he shot out another message.

 

KAGEYAMA — Are you okay?

 

He sent it and, once again, got no reply. Kageyama stared at his phone as he walked into the gym, but looked up to see Ukai speaking to Yachi, Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima, who had walked in in front of him. Yachi wore a horrified, slightly sick look on her face, while Yamaguchi looked worried and Tsukishima still looked mostly indifferent- though he had a twinge of concern in his eye.

 

“What’s going on,” Kageyama said, walking up to the group.

 

“I was just telling these guys an update about Hinata,” Ukai said. “Don’t freak out, Kageyama, but Hinata is in the hospital. His mother said-“

 

“The hospital? Is that why he won’t respond to my texts?”

 

Yachi looked even closer to passing out at that, and Yamaguchi placed a hand on her shoulder.

 

Ukai sighed. “His mother said that he’s not feeling well still so he doesn’t want anyone to be upset if he doesn’t reply to their messages.”

 

“He’s okay, right?” Yamaguchi asked.

 

“That was all she said,” Ukai said. “But I’m sure he’s fine. Probably got sick and then overworked himself, the kid doesn’t know when to stop.”

 

The coach gave a kind or nervous chuckle before leaving them standing in a circle, going to inform the rest of the team in small groups. Kageyama couldn’t help the nausea he felt when he had to set volleyballs to Tsukishima that practice. He was so off, in fact, that Ukai pulled him aside about a half hour in.

 

“Listen,” he said. “If you can’t focus, then it’s okay if you want to go home. I know you’re worried about Hinata, so I’ll let you skip out on practice- just this once! I’ll tell Daichi that you weren’t feeling well. Okay?”

 

Kageyama nodded. “Thank you.”

 

He walked out of the gym and stood on the sidewalk. He could go to his left, towards his house, or he could go to his right, towards the nearest hospital, and ask for Hinata Shouyou’s room and just hope that he was at the right place.

 

Kageyama chose the latter option. It wouldn’t hurt to pay him a little visit, would it? Even if he was just in and out, just seeing him and giving him his school work would be nice of him to do. At least, that’s what he kept saying in his head over and over again to keep himself from turning around.

 

When he arrived at the hospital, Kageyama approached the front desk. The woman that sat there looked up at him and asked how she could help.

 

“Hinata Shouyou’s room, please?”

 

She typed in her computer. “Room 228. Up the elevator and to your right.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

The setter now approached Hinata’s door after an elevator ride that seemed much longer than it actually was. He knocked gently on the door, opening it slightly and peeking in. The room was dark. The blinds on the window were closed and all of the lights were off, the only light in the room coming from the hallway and the screens of machines. Hinata was but a lump on the bed, facing away from the door. The way his shoulders tensed when Kageyama opened the door told him that the ginger was awake.

 

“Hinata? It’s Kageyama. I have your school-“

 

“It’s back.”

 

The black haired boy felt his lungs deflate. “Wh-What? What do you mean?”

 

Hinata rolled over so they were facing each other. The redhead’s face was tear stained and his eyes were puffy, cheeks blotchy and red. When he spoke his voice was thick with tears, but it was strong all the same.

 

“My cancer. It’s back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s almost turkey day :) also i’m sorry.


	4. thru these tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> good friends. good family. that’s all you really need isn’t it?

“My cancer. It’s back.”

 

Hinata could have sworn he saw Kageyama sway as if he were going to faint.

 

“You... You have cancer?”

 

He winced. “Yes. I do.”

 

“But I thought you said it was gone,” Kageyama said, looking lost.

 

Hinata thought about sitting up, facing him like someone who was strong, but he couldn’t. He fisted a hand in his pillow and stared blankly at the wall.

 

“It had a twenty percent chance of recurrence,” Hinata explained. “I guess I was-“ He sniffed. “I guess I was part of that twenty percent.”

 

Kageyama sat down on the chair next to his bedside. “How did you find out?”

 

“When I was at home, my mom checked my temperature. Said I had a fever. I rested for a little bit and then I went to get some water, but...” He tried his best to hold back the tears, but they came streaming down onto his pillow and his voice was nasally as he spoke. “I passed out again, I think? I woke up and my mom made me go to the hospital. I got there and they checked my blood, said my counts were weird, admitted me because my platelet count was way too low, and... They just gave us the final results this morning.”

 

Kageyama was silent then. Hinata tore his eyes away from the wall and looked at how he was sitting with his elbows on his knees, one hand dangling and one hand on his forehead.

 

“Why’d you come, anyway,” Hinata asked. “I, uh... I figured no one would come since I wasn’t responding to anyone’s messages.”

 

“I wanted to give you your school work,” Kageyama replied, sitting up and handing him some papers.

 

The redhead sat up, grabbing the papers. “Thanks.”

 

Kageyama opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “You... You’ll get better, right? You got rid of it before, so you can get rid of it again.”

 

Hinata’s eyes watered. “Yeah, I guess. I just... I wish I didn’t have to do this all over again.” His voice wobbled and broke.

 

“But you do,” Kageyama said. “This is real life, and you can’t give up, so you do have to do it over again. That’s just how life is, I guess.”

 

Hinata muttered a quiet “yeah” and they were left in sad silence for some time. The ginger wiped away all of his tears and Kageyama stared silently at the floor. Hinata still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that he was going to be living this nightmare all over again. He thought that the needles and the hospitals and the constant vomiting was something of the past, but now he’d have to live with it for who knew how long.

 

There was another quiet knock and his mother came into the room, Natsu holding her hand. The girl had been very young when Hinata had cancer before, so she had no understanding of it and very little memory. She wasn’t as lively as usual when she entered the room, not jumping on the bed because she probably knew something was wrong.

 

“Oh, who’s this?” Hinata’s mother asked.

 

“It’s my friend Kageyama,” Hinata responded. “He wanted to check on me.”

 

“That’s so nice,” the woman said. She held out her hand and Kageyama, who had already stood, took it. “Nice to meet you. Shouyou, have you already...?”

 

“Yeah, I told him.”

 

“Do-Do you want me to not tell anyone else,” Kageyama asked.

 

“That would be great,” Hinata said. “I mean, just until I get back to school and I can tell them in person.”

 

“Okay,” Kageyama said, moving to stand. “I should probably get going. Text me.”

 

Hinata forced himself to smile. “Okay. Bye.”

 

He watched Kageyama leave the room, unsteady on his feet, and his mom sat down where Kageyama once was.

 

“Your dad will be here in a few minutes,” she said. “He just got to the house.”

 

“I hate that he had to cut his trip short,” Hinata said.

 

“He’d rather be here,” his mom assured. “If he was on his trip still he’d be worrying the whole time. His boss understands, anyway.“

 

Hinata remembered how his dad had to cut so many work trips short because of his treatment before. Hinata resented the fact that it would have to happen again. While he sulked and his mother and Natsu talked about dinner, his father walked in. Hinata looked up at the man who had red hair matching his.

 

“Hey, Dad,” he said. “I’m sorry you had to cancel your trip.”

 

“Nonsense,” his dad said. “I’d rather be here anyways. I heard you guys talking about dinner?”

 

“There’s a place with all kinds of European food down the street,” his mother said. “You could go get takeout from there and bring it back here, and we could watch whatever’s on TV. How’s that sound?”

 

“I like it!” Natsu exclaimed.

 

“Well, I like it, too,” his dad said. “Shouyou?”

 

“That’s fine.”

 

The parents exchanged a glance before his mom spoke again. “If you don’t want that, then we could get you anything else, really. The cafeteria here is open, or there’s fast food all around here-“

 

“I really don’t care, Mom,” he said firmly.

 

“If you want we can-“

 

“I said it’s fine!”

 

The three of them sat and stared, varying degrees of shock and sadness on their faces. Hinata immediately felt his face redden and tears spring to his eyes.

 

“I-I didn’t mean- I’m sorry. I’ll take pasta from the Italy menu. With the white sauce- whatever it’s called- if that’s okay?”

 

His dad’s sad expression gave way to a smile. “Of course. Natsu, do you want to come with me to pick up the food?”

 

She nodded and the others told him what they wanted before they left. His mom gave him a big eyed, determined look.

 

“We’ll get through this you know.”

 

Hinata sighed loudly. “Yeah. I guess.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“I-I just don’t want to do this, Mom.” He wiped away a stray tear. “I hate it. I hate missing school, and getting all weak and sick, and having you and Dad have to throw your lives away because of me.”

 

“Honey, we would throw away everything for you and Natsu in a heartbeat. You don’t need to worry about us. As for everything else, we just have to make the most of the situation, yeah? Whenever you’re well enough, we’ll go out wherever you’d like.”

 

By this time she had sat down next to him on his bed and started rubbing his back like she always did whenever he got upset as a kid. Hinata smiled.

 

“You don’t need to spoil me just because I have cancer,” he said.

 

She laughed. “Not spoiling. Just trying to make things a little less awful.”

 

They scrolled through the channels on the hospital TV and found a Studio Ghibli marathon to watch while they ate. Dad and Natsu walked in carrying bags of delicious smelling food just before another movie was about to start.

 

“We come bearing gifts,” his father said upon entering.

 

Hinata smiled broadly as his food was handed to him and the rest of his family got situated around the room to eat their food. No matter what lay ahead, at least Hinata had his family- and now he had a whole volleyball team’s worth of pretty good friends to back him up.

 

They could tackle this, couldn’t they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! this was fun to write because i loooove writing family fluff. i love fantasizing about having this perfect family and what that would look like and agh it makes me feel all warm inside. angst at the beginning relieves by family fluff at the end. makes me happy.


	5. in barcelona

Hinata was discharged from the hospital after only two days. He was glad it didn’t take too long to get his counts back up, and once he did his fever went down. While he was there, he met with his old oncologist who set up a treatment plan- which would take up at least the next several months of his life, what with maintenance chemo and everything.

 

“We can do this,” his mother kept saying. “We can do this, we can do this.”

 

Hinata wasn’t sure he wanted to. It wasn’t like he wanted to give up and die, it was just that he didn’t want to have to go through this all over again. He wanted to kiss hospitals goodbye and never set foot in a doctors office ever again.

 

They arranged a day for him to get his port placed- a catheter in his chest that would make administering chemotherapy and other drugs easier. He got his old one out quickly because he was determined to leave that life behind him completely as soon as he finished treatment. So much for that.

 

He would take the next day to rest at home and return to school the following Monday. Each of his friends were texting him relentlessly, and all he did was put them in a big group message and tell them all that he needed to rest and he’d talk to them at school. They didn’t seem too happy about it, but they’d have to deal with it. There was no way he was dropping a bomb like this on them over text.

 

Speaking of dropping bombs, Hinata felt bad for telling Kageyama he couldn’t tell anyone about Hinata’s diagnosis. It was probably hard for him to deal with, since they were so close. He decided to text his friend that Saturday afternoon.

 

HINATA — Do you want to come over?

 

Kageyama replied almost immediately.

 

KAGEYAMA — Sure. Are you still sick?

 

HINATA — No I feel better. See you in an hour?

 

KAGEYAMA — Sounds good.

 

The redhead put his phone down and stood from his bed, wincing when his feet hit the cold floor. He tip toed his way to his dresser and picked out a pair of socks, slipping them on. He grabbed a hoodie and threw that on, too, but he was still cold. He was always cold these days.

 

Kageyama arrived in half the time they agreed on. Hinata ran to the door and opened it, breathing in the breeze of autumn beginning.

 

“You’re super early,” he said.

 

“I got bored,” Kageyama mumbled, looking at his feet. “You going to let me in or what?”

 

Hinata moved aside and let his friend in, watching him take off his shoes.

 

“Is anyone else here,” Kageyama asked.

 

“My family just went out shopping. I told them I was too tired.”

 

“The way you ran to the door says otherwise,” the setter grumbled.

 

“Shut up,” Hinata laughed. They walked to the kitchen. “I was just thinking about grabbing some snacks. Do you want anything?”

 

“Do you have pocky?”

 

“Duh!”

 

Hinata reached up and grabbed it from a shelf just above his head and handed it to his setter. Kageyama thanked him and opened the box, pulling out a stick and offering the box back. Hinata pulled out a stick of his own.

 

“I have a TV in my room,” Hinata said. “Do you want to go play a game or watch a movie?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They walked up the stairs and into Hinata’s bedroom, sitting down on the bed and facing the TV. The ginger flipped through the channels.

 

“I’m sorry, you know,” he said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kageyama’s head whip over to look at him. “For- For dumping the whole... Cancer thing on you and telling you not to tell anyone. It wasn’t fair of me.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

The redhead looked at him. “No it’s not. You didn’t have anyone to go to about it and you were upset. I was worried you weren’t even going to make it home.”

 

“I was fine,” Kageyama said, not making eye contact. “I still am.”

 

“So you weren’t upset at all?” Hinata asked, faking sadness.

 

“Wha- You idiot, of course I was. Just... I’m fine. I should be worrying about you.”

 

“Kageyama-“

 

“Stop it,” the setter said sternly. “Why did you ask me to come over here?”

 

“Because I want you to talk to me!” Hinata didn’t mean to yell. His words came out before he thought about it. “Because you can’t just close yourself off, and I feel bad for basically forcing you to!”

 

“Want me to talk?” Kageyama was yelling now, too. “Fine! I’m terrified you won’t survive! Because I’m not completely convinced that anyone else on our team really likes me, or if they only talk to me because they have to. You’re all I have, all I’ve ever had, and I really- I can’t- I re-“

 

Kageyama cut himself off, pursing his lips and staring at the floor, bangs slipping down to cover his eyes. Hinata was almost certain that if the hair wasn’t there, he would’ve seen tears there.

 

“Kageyama,” he said. “I... You know they do like you, right? They do. You don’t need to worry about that.”

 

The setter didn’t respond, crossing his arms and nodding just barely.

 

“Okay,” Hinata said. “Also... Don’t be afraid of losing me. Even if this is going to kill me-“

 

“Don’t say that!”

 

“Listen!” Hinata said, alarmed because now Kageyama’s voice was wet with emotion that he never thought he’d hear in a million years coming from the setter. “Even if this is going to kill me, I’m going to give it the fight of a lifetime. I won’t go down easy and I certainly won’t go down soon. Okay?”

 

Kageyama nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

 

He said the right thing, right? Because he couldn’t just promise Kageyama that he wasn’t going to die. This was Acute Myeloid Leukemia, not the easiest to treat and one with a higher recurrence rate than other forms of the cancer. Still...

 

“I have a chance,” he said. “I can get better, Kageyama.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They sat for a moment, silence engulfing them, and Hinata realized that while Kageyama sat there in his emotional state, the redhead had scooted a lot closer to him. Their shoulders were touching, and Hinata got a hint of his cologne- it smelled fresh, with a hint of bergamot. He looked down to their hands and realized that Kageyama’s hand was covering his, fingers curling down slightly.

 

“Do you have Call of Duty?”

 

Hinata raised an eyebrow at Kageyama’s sudden question.

 

“What? No. My mom doesn’t let me play violent games because Natsu has a habit of just running into my room without knocking. She doesn’t want her to see stuff like that and get scared.”

 

Kageyama scoffed, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Pfft, of course you blame it on your sister.”

 

Hinata felt amusement surge within him. That was the Kageyama he knew. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You and I both know that you’re the one who’s scared.”

 

“Am not!”

 

“Whatever you say.”

 

“Seriously!”

 

-

 

As Hinata and Kageyama walked up to Karasuno’s gym on Monday morning, the spiker stopped at the door. Kageyama stopped a few steps ahead of him, looking back.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m nervous,” Hinata replied. “I don’t know how they’ll take it.”

 

“Either way, you have to tell them,” Kageyama said, approaching the door and grabbing the handle. “Come on.”

 

He swung the door open and Hinata walked in after him. All eyes were immediately on the pair.

 

“He lives!” Tanaka shouted dramatically.

 

“Hey, Hinata!”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“I, uh...” He trailed off, giving Kageyama a glance. It wouldn’t hurt to get one more good practice in, would it? “I’m great! I feel a lot better. I’m ready to practice!”

 

There were enthusiastic shouts from all around the gym, people giving him pats on the back and ruffling his hair, but all Hinata was aware of was Kageyama’s disapproving stare.

 

The captain smiled. “Let’s get practicing then!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be a lot longer, but then i decided to put the rest of it in a different chapter. anyways, hopefully the next update will be as quick as this one!


	6. burning candles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a quickie

Kageyama found Hinata just as they were getting ready to run laps.

 

“You need to tell them,” he whispered.

 

“I will,” Hinata said. “Just shut it, okay? I know what I’m doing.”

 

They started running, Hinata right next to Kageyama.

 

“Don’t pass out again,” the setter said.

 

“I won’t,” Hinata huffed.

 

He ended up having to run slower, because he got too tired and feared that his body would give out on him once again. When laps were finally over, Hinata begged the coach and captain to do a practice match.

 

“Please? Since it’s my first practice back?”

 

The two looked at each other. “Fine, Hinata. But as soon as you feel bad, we’re taking a break.”

 

The redhead beamed. “Okay!”

 

They all got into their positions and as soon as Coach blew the whistle, the game began.

 

Hinata sprung into action, calling for set after set, but Kageyama barely sent any of them his way. The ones that were sent to him were weak, as if Kageyama were banking on him not meeting the peak of his jump. The first set ended, and Hinata walked up to his setter angrily.

 

“What’s your deal? Send me more tosses!”

 

“Are you sure?” Kageyama looked at him dubiously.

 

“Yes! Come on!”

 

The whistle blew and the ball was served. It was received by Tanaka, and Hinata gave Kageyama a side glance, to which the setter nodded ever so slightly, which meant-

 

The redhead ran along the net to a spot with no blockers as fast as he could, jumping his highest jump into the air. He felt the ball connect with his palm and watched it smack down onto the other side of the court, Ennoshita lunging and missing the receive.

 

“Way to go, Hinata!” Nishinoya shouted.

 

Hinata laughed weakly. “Thanks.”

 

He stumbled backwards, dizziness overtaking him for a few seconds. A hand situated itself in the small of his back- Kageyama’s- and kept him upright.

 

“You okay?” Suga asked from the other side of the net.

 

“Yeah,” Hinata said. “I need to sit down.”

 

Everyone seemed more than happy to take a break. Everyone was just drinking water and chatting and smiling- well, everyone except Kageyama. The setter kept sending him nasty glares from where he sat on the ground several feet away from him.

 

“What’s wrong with Kageyama?” Suga asked, sitting down next to Hinata on the bench.

 

“Oh! Uh, he’s just being dumb, like usual,” Hinata stuttered. “He’ll get over it.”

 

The co-captain nodded, smiling knowingly. “He can be that way sometimes. It’s only because he worries. He just doesn’t know how to... Emote.”

 

Daichi approached them, ball in hand. “Hinata, are you ready to go?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Once the practice match was over, they talked about the rest of the season, Hinata and Kageyama’s quick, strategies and the works. The whole time, Hinata could feel the setter staring daggers into the back of his head. He couldn’t bring it upon himself to interject and tell them that he’d be out the rest of the season, unless by some freak miracle he felt well enough to play a full match at some point.

 

“Okay,” Coach said. “You boys go get ready for class. Good work today.”

 

Everyone stood and began to collect volleyballs, and Kageyama cleared his throat. Hinata looked at him, and the setter only nodded at him. He knew what he had to do.

 

“Actually...” Hinata said quietly. No one looked up from what they were doing, so he spoke again, but louder. “Actually, I need to talk to you guys.”

 

Everyone stopped for a second, looked at each other, then put down whatever they had in their hands and walked toward him. He had their full and undivided attention- save for Tsukishima, who was whispering something or other to Yamaguchi at the back of the group.

 

“I said I was better, and I was feeling great,” he said, “but that’s actually... It’s not true. I... I had a relapse of my cancer.”

 

He stopped there, waiting for a response, but as he looked around the gym everyone just stood there in silence. Someone dropped a volleyball somewhere and someone else gasped, but no one said a word. Hinata continued.

 

“I don’t know exactly when I start treatment again, but it’ll be within the next few weeks.” He felt his eyes water just thinking about it. “So, that being said, I probably won’t be playing for... A while.”

 

“You mean to tell me,” Ukai began, making everyone in the room turn to him. His voice sounded slightly raw, but stern nonetheless. “That you walked in here today knowing that you weren’t fit to play, and played anyway?”

 

Hinata... Didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“Uh- I... Well, you see, I... Uh...”

 

“Hinata, seriously?” Suga groaned. His voice was filled to the brim with worry and sadness. “You could have passed out again! You could have hurt yourself!”

 

“But I didn’t!” Hinata said defensively. “I took breaks!”

 

“Next time you want to play, you need a note from a doctor,” Ukai said.

 

“Okay,” Hinata said glumly.

 

“Are you gonna be okay?”

 

The source of the small voice was Yachi, who stood over by the bench. She looked utterly distraught, on the verge of a breakdown, and Shimizu had both hands on her shoulders to comfort her. Hinata immediately walked over to her and hugged her.

 

“I think so,” he said. “I can’t make any promises, but I’m going to try. Okay?”

 

She sniffed quietly and nodded into his shoulder.

 

There were other hugs that greeted him, and a teary Tanaka asking if they would have matching shaved heads. Nishinoya giving Hinata a subdued hug and being uncharacteristically quiet and Asahi stammering before muttering an apology and a, “I’m here if you need anything.” There was so much support all around him in so many different forms and Hinata just felt so lucky to have the friends he did. There was nothing he wouldn’t give to make sure nothing changed.

 

They went to class and the rest of the school day went fine. His teammates were a bit apprehensive around him at first, but they became more comfortable as the day went on and they realized he wasn’t going to break at any moment. At lunch Kageyama bought him yogurt, which was odd, but he wasn’t going to complain. They sat down together on the roof and Hinata leaned against the wall of the building, closing his eyes.

 

“You okay?” Kageyama questioned. “You look weird.”

 

“I’m just tired.” Hinata sucked in a breath and stretched. “I didn’t sleep much last night because I knew I would have to tell them.”

 

“Why’d you wait so long?”

 

“I just wanted to get one more good practice in,” Hinata replied. “If I had told them over the weekend, or at the beginning of practice, they either wouldn’t have let me play at all, or they would have treated me different and went easy on me. I didn’t want that. I just wanted one more normal practice before I have to give it up.”

 

Kageyama’s face contorted into one of shock and anger. “Who says you have to give it up?”

 

Hinata stared at him. “Seriously? Kageyama... I’m going to get really sick. I won’t be able to play. Last time, there was a good few weeks where I could barely walk. There’s no way I’ll be able to play while I’m sick like this.”

 

The setter huffed, setting down his lunch. “Yeah, whatever.”

 

Hinata’s jaw dropped. “What do you mean whatever? It didn’t occur to you that I won’t be playing?”

 

“I-I- It... No, okay? It didn’t. I don’t know why, but it didn’t occur to me. Happy?”

 

Hinata wanted to be angry, he really did, because Kageyama was being insensitive and it was really no wonder why he didn’t have many friends at this point- but he just laughed. He laughed because of all the things for Kageyama to be so put off about, he chose volleyball.

 

“Why are you laughing?” Kageyama asked defensively.

 

“You’re such a volleyball freak,” Hinata gasped.

 

Kageyama elbowed him. “Shut up.”

 

He was a volleyball freak, but Hinata wouldn’t change a thing.


	7. medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what chemotherapy feels like but i have had weird drugs via IV before so i’m kinda comparing it to that?? even tho i know it can’t compare, i did feel like shit and i was very vomity so i’m just making the comparison bc it’s all i have the firsthand experience with. THIS COULD BE TOTALLY INACCURATE AND IM SO SORRY IF IT IS but i am uneducated so pls forgive me

Hinata’s port had been placed and it was time to start treatment.

 

His first chemo appointment was this week, and he spent days dreading it. Every time he thought about it he’d get nauseous, as if his body already knew what to expect. He kept running his fingers lightly over the bump on his chest where his port was, resenting its presence.

 

The day before his first chemo, Hinata went to school like he normally would. He and Kageyama walked together, the later kicking the occasional rock and the former making an effort to step on the crunchiest-looking leaves he could see.

 

“You’re awful quiet,” Kageyama remarked.

 

“Yeah,” Hinata replied.

 

“Why?”

 

“Just nervous about tomorrow. I start treatment again.”

 

Kageyama hummed. “How bad is it normally?”

 

Hinata thought for a moment. “Last time it wasn’t too bad starting out. It just got really bad as time went on.”

 

“So you don’t have to be too worried for now,” Kageyama said plainly. “Go tomorrow and don’t be worried about it because it’ll just make it worse. It’ll basically be like experiencing it twice.”

 

“I’ve never thought about it that way before,” Hinata replied.

 

“You barely think at all, do you?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Tomorrow came and on the way to the hospital, Hinata remembered Kageyama’s words and pushed thoughts of worry out of his mind. He’d be fine, right? Even though he’d be spending the next hour or so getting the dreaded life saving poison pumped through his body, he’d end up fine. He just needed to stop worrying, like Kageyama said.

 

Hinata’s mind went fuzzy as they stepped into the building, the familiar smell of hand sanitizer and alcohol swabs invading his nostrils. All he could think about was how much he did not want to be there. He got situated in a room- luckily a private one- and his mom set down a bag filled with snacks and books and video games for his Nintendo.

 

The next few hours were a blur. Hinata first got some fluids and some pre-infusion drugs to ease the side effects, and that lasted about an hour. Next he received the actual chemotherapy drug. He became exhausted during the infusion and his mom handed him his blanket, leaning his bed back so he could go to sleep. Hinata may have been able to sleep for a brief period, but when he woke up he was sweating buckets and kicked his blanket off. He tried to roll over and got tangled in the tubing that was leading to his port, and his mother had to help his groggy self get untangled.

 

When Hinata heard the beeping of the monitor signaling that his infusion was over, he was just thankful that he was one step- albeit a small one- closer to being done with all of this. Next he got even more fluids pumped into his body to ensure that he stayed hydrated, and then it was back home.

 

On the way home, Hinata laid his head back and his mom turned on quiet music, a ritual they perfected over the last course of his treatment. He fell asleep at some point and the next thing he knew, he was being awoken by his mom’s car door opening. Hinata stretched and unbuckled, dragging himself inside and into bed.

 

-

 

Hinata groaned. His head pounded so hard it caused him to wake with a start. When he did wake, the pounding in his head was blurred out by the nausea that overtook all of his senses. So much for those damn anti-nausea drugs.

 

He knew from the general feeling that he wasn’t in any imminent danger of vomiting, but if he didn’t get to the toilet now, he might not make it later. The ginger grabbed his phone and his cup of water from the bedside table and walked haphazardly to the bathroom, plopping down in front of the toilet and sitting there with his head in his hands.

 

The only thing that snapped Hinata out of his nauseated stupor was the ringing of his phone. He picked it up and saw that he’d been asleep for the entire afternoon, and that his dad would already be home by now. He also saw that it was Kageyama calling him. Scowling at the thought of having to talk to anyone, Hinata answered the phone anyway.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Wow, you sound bad.”

 

The ginger almost chuckled at the rude remark. Almost. “Gee, thanks.”

 

“How... Are you feeling?” The question was hesitant, and quieter than Hinata had ever expected Kageyama to be.

 

“Shitty,” he replied. “Really shitty. Oh, God-“

 

Hinata was cut off by a rather intense wave of nausea, throwing himself over the toilet and feeling himself gag. Nothing came up, though the motion was violent and produced saliva in the back of his throat.

 

“What the- Hey! You okay?” Kageyama’s frantic voice was yelling from where Hinata pulled the phone away from his ear.

 

“Just talk to me,” he said when he put the phone back up to his head. “Distract me, it helps.”

 

“What do you want me to talk about?”

 

“Ugh- Anything. How was practice?”

 

“It-It was okay. I had to toss to Tsukishima the whole time, and he doesn’t jump as high as you- which is weird because he’s like three times your height-“

 

“Hey! He’s not that much taller!”

 

“Whatever,” Kageyama said. “Anyway, I kept tossing it too high and he was being a real jackass about it. Other than that, Yamaguchi has been working on his serves, and he’s been doing well, but I think that when he gets into a match he’s going to chicken out and mess up.”

 

“No, don’t say that. I think he’s better than you think he is.”

 

“It’s not that he isn’t good,” Kageyama assured. “It’s that he doesn’t have enough confidence. I mean, have you seen him? He worries about everything- he’s almost as bad as Yachi. He can practice all he wants but until he realizes that he’s actually a good player, he’s going to miss every time.”

 

They talked more and more about Yamaguchi, about Yachi, about everything. Hinata got to see the places in Kageyama’s mind that he never knew existed. He found that the setter was good at reading people, and that he paid attention to small details. He knew things about their teammates that Hinata never would have known just by watching them- like how when Tanaka says he’s “party central,” it’s only to cover up the fact that he’s lonely. Or the fact that Suga and Daichi are so close that there’s probably something more there that they just haven’t told anyone about. Or how Yachi literally makes herself sick with worry and she needs constant reassurance. The more he got to know Kageyama, the more he wanted to get even closer.

 

Hinata ended up forgetting all about his nausea until it was time for the next dose of his medicine. His dad came into the bathroom with a fresh cup of water and some pills for him to swallow, and he did so, realizing that he’d been sitting on the floor for more than two hours.

 

“I should probably go,” Hinata said. “The medicine is going to make me really tired soon.”

 

“Okay,” Kageyama replied, sounding slightly disappointed. “When’s the next time you’ll be at school?”

 

“I’ll try and come the day after tomorrow,” Hinata replied. He pulled the phone away from his ear and saw that it was late. “You should go to sleep, too.”

 

“I will. Goodnight.”

 

“‘Night.”

 

He hung up the phone and felt a sort of sad feeling mixing in with the nausea that was creeping up on him. It was at that moment that Hinata realized that Kageyama was better than any anti-nausea drug that he’d ever been prescribed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also the stuff about my precious yams wasn’t meant to be mean it was just meant to be Kageyama and his bluntness about how yams needs more confidence bc if he’s so hesitant all the time he won’t ever excel as much as he wants to and ALSO THIS TAKES PLACE TOWARDS THE BEGINNING so at this point no one has really found their footing i guess i hope that makes sense


	8. oh wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (unedited and tiredly written)

The days passed and on the Friday of that week, Hinata finally went back to school. He knew it was almost useless to go back on a Friday, because classes would be taking quizzes on what he missed and wrapping up units that he hadn’t been there for, but it was better than nothing, right?

 

He even made it for morning practice. That is, he made it for the tail end of it. Again, it was better than nothing.

 

He missed walking to school with Kageyama. It was an intimate little time where they sometimes never spoke, they just walked alongside each other in a pace that was almost painfully slow compared to the way they were around other people. When Hinata was alone with Kageyama, he got to see him slow down and describe how he saw the world.

 

Today, his mother drove him to school. It was much faster than the walk ever was, and it wasn’t nearly as serene. Hinata would have to kiss that wonderful start to the day goodbye.

 

They pulled up to the gym and Hinata got out of the car, vibrating with excitement. He knew it was probably the adrenaline from being able to see his friends again, but this was the most energy he’d had in a while. So when he slammed open the doors and basked in the stares of his teammates, he wanted to cheer when their slight shock wore off and they excitedly exclaimed their hellos.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“How are you f- Oh.”

 

Nishinoya and Asahi respectively spoke at the same time, the former practically sprinting up to the redhead and the latter scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably.

 

“Tired,” Hinata said. “But good. Can I toss some-“

 

“No,” Ukai said. “You’re not touching a volleyball until I see a note from a doctor, because I know you’ll get carried away.”

 

Hinata frowned. “I just want to pass it around. I promise it won’t end up being more than that.”

 

He gave the coach the saddest look he could muster, looking up at him through his eyelashes. The man sighed.

 

“Alright,” he said. “Only for the last ten minutes or so.”

 

The boys all scattered about, passing the ball from one another. Hinata knew he was bad at receives, but it was more annoying than he thought it would be when his friends kept having to chase after the balls that he missed because they didn’t want him “overexerting” himself. It made things tedious, standing in the same spot the entire time, but it was wonderful nonetheless to feel the sting of the ball against his skin.

 

The bell rang, signaling the end of their time in the gym that morning. He waited by the door for Kageyama to change into his uniform before they walked to class together.

 

“I miss walking to school with you,” Hinata said. “I probably won’t have the energy very often anymore, if at all.”

 

“I figured,” Kageyama replied. “We can talk on the phone more often like we did the other night, though, if that’ll make up for it.”

 

Hinata chose to ignore the way that Kageyama avoided eye contact when he made the suggestion, almost as if he were nervous.

 

“That sounds great,” he said. “Maybe we could do video chat.”

 

“That, too.”

 

They came upon their classroom and Hinata talked to their teacher, who handed him a stack of papers with no particular due date. Every teacher throughout the day ended up doing the same, telling him to try and get all his work in before the end of the semester and giving him their email in case he needed help. They all seemed to know that he was going to miss a fair amount of school.

 

Lunch came around the corner, and all of the first years sat together. Tsukishima tried to dull out their voices with his headphones, and Yachi and Yamaguchi talked enthusiastically, the latter trying his best to include his stubborn glasses-wearing friend. Hinata’s stomach was surprisingly tolerant of his food, so he was able to eat a substantial amount. He even snagged a bit of Kageyama’s food, making the setter yell at him and causing everyone else to laugh.

 

After lunch, fatigue hit Hinata like a ton of bricks. He sat at his desk in biology and watched the world fade in and out as he started to nod off. The teacher gave him several warning looks, and Hinata tried his best to keep his eyes open during the rest of the class. When the bell finally rang, he met up with Kageyama in the hallway.

 

“C’n you get my work from my other classes,” he slurred, handing him the corner he ripped off a piece of notebook paper that had all of his remaining classes listed on it.

 

“Sure,” Kageyama replied. “You okay?”

 

“Tired. I’m going to the nurse.”

 

They parted ways and Hinata stumbled through the hallway until he reached the nurse’s office, briefly explaining the situation to her before throwing himself down on one of the beds. It was hard and there was no blanket, but he was still out like a light.

 

He woke to a hand shaking his shoulder, and opened his eyes to aching bones and a splitting headache. A shadow looked over him, but it wasn’t the nurse like he expected.

 

“Hey,” Kageyama said. “I have your work. I was just about to head to practice. Do you want me to walk you home?”

 

Hinata checked the time. “My mom is getting me in a few minutes. Thanks for waking me up.”

 

He handed him the papers, their hands brushing together and lingering there for a while. Kageyama turned and walked away rather quickly.

 

“I’ll see you later,” he said, voice barely reaching Hinata’s ears because he was speaking in the opposite direction.

 

“Bye,” Hinata replied.

 

He wished Kageyama hung around longer. Not for any reason in particular, just because he enjoyed the other’s company.

 

Sighing, Hinata headed towards the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise the next chapter will be better this was just the setup


	9. of all the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope this is good. it is very OOC but he’s just nervous.

Kageyama lay on the floor of his bedroom after practice, still sweaty because he hadn’t forced himself to take a shower yet.

 

So far, Kageyama’s first year of high school had been a rollercoaster ride. He made his first best friend, got on a volleyball team of people who were willing to ignore his past and give him a second chance, and created relationships that he’d never had anything close to before. On the other hand, he also learned that the best friend in question had cancer, and it made it very clear to Kageyama that everything good that he received this year was temporary.

 

In the world of temporary things and unknown factors, Kageyama was only completely sure of one thing: Hinata was driving him crazy.

 

Not in a bad way. In a way that made his heart beat at twice it’s normal pace and his palms start to sweat. It made his mind race with thoughts of the future, both good and bad, and in every thought Hinata was there. He wanted Hinata to be his, all his. He wanted all of his attention, but didn’t know how to ask. The last thing he wanted to do was drive him away.

 

Kageyama’s phone buzzed from where it sat a few inches away from his hand. He reached over and grabbed it, lifting it to see a message from Suga.

 

SUGA — You seemed off today. Are you okay? I’m always here to talk!

 

Of course, Suga would notice. Kageyama typed out a reply, sending it before thinking.

 

KAGEYAMA — How do you know if you love someone?

 

What he wanted to ask next was, “how do you unsend a message?” Kageyama shot up into a sitting position because it couldn’t have been him that typed that out. He wasn’t in love.

 

SUGA — Well, for me it was when I realized that the person is the most important thing to me. They might as well be the air that I breathe.

 

SUGA — Kageyama, is this about Hinata?

 

Well what was he supposed to say to that?

 

KAGEYAMA — I don’t know.

 

Perfect.

 

SUGA — Kageyama seriously.

 

He gave in.

 

KAGEYAMA — Yes. It is about Hinata.

 

KAGEYAMA — Is it really that obvious?

 

SUGA — Maybe not to him, but to pretty much everyone else it is.

 

KAGEYAMA — I don’t even know if he likes boys.

 

SUGA — You’ll never know anything until you ask. Just remember that things in his life are pretty chaotic right now.

 

KAGEYAMA — What does that mean?

 

SUGA — He might not have the time or energy for a relationship with everything going on.

 

SUGA — At the same time, if you don’t tell him now you might not ever find the time to tell him again.

 

SUGA — Shoot your shot Kageyama.

 

He was stuck now, wasn’t he? Suga was right- Hinata’s life was shrouded with chaos, so he might not even want a relationship. At the same time, he could be taken away by this illness that plagued him at any time, so if Kageyama didn’t tell him now, would he ever get the chance to tell him again?

 

Kageyama lifted his phone up one more time, calling the redhead in question. It rang and eventually Hinata answered.

 

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to-“

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

There was a beat of silence before Hinata answered. “Okay, go ahead, I guess.”

 

“Not now,” Kageyama said. “Can I come over tomorrow?”

 

“Uh, sure. Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?”

 

“Y-Yeah. You’re being really weird.”

 

“I’m never weird,” Kageyama spluttered. “You’re weird. I have to go.”

 

“But you just-“

 

“Tomorrow, okay?” Kageyama felt himself start to sweat. “I’ll explain tomorrow.”

 

“Okay. Bye.”

 

Kageyama dropped his phone on the floor, laying back down and pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes and groaning. He heard his door open slightly and pulled his hands away, watching the dog, Momo, walk inside. She walked over to his face and he winced while she licked his nose.

 

He could tell this was going to be a sleepless night.

 

-

 

Saturday came and Kageyama pulled himself out of bed. He never specified a time to go over to Hinata’s house, so he figured he might as well go over sooner rather than later.

 

He started the trek over, walking the familiar mountain pass and remembering the days that he walked the redhead home after he passed out at practice. That was when it all began, really. Everything- the symptoms of the cancer, and the realization of Kageyama’s love. The setter only hoped that the other boy felt the same.

 

When Kageyama arrived at Hinata’s door, he knocked hesitantly a few times before waiting there. The door opened to reveal a man who looked like an aged version of his friend.

 

“Are you here for Shouyou?” The man asked. “He said he was expecting a friend. I’m his father.”

 

They shook hands. “I’m Kageyama. I am here for him.”

 

“He’s upstairs in his room. Do you know where it is?”

 

“I think I remember,” Kageyama said, removing his shoes by the door. “Thank you.”

 

He shakily moved up the staircase, beginning to regret ever saying anything to Suga. What if this whole thing was a mistake? He was young and stupid, what did he know about love?

 

Approaching the door, Kageyama knocked gently. There was a slight rustling inside, followed by silence.

 

“Come in,” came Hinata’s voice.

 

Kageyama did so, and saw the lights were off, save for a lamp by the bed, and Hinata was kneeling on his bed, hair disheveled and hands rubbing his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know when you’d be coming,” Hinata said groggily.

 

“No, I should have told you,” Kageyama said, embarrassed at his lack of consideration.

 

“So, er, what did you want to talk about?”

 

“R-Right. Okay.”

 

What was he supposed to do? Should he just jump right in? He didn’t have anything planned out and he wasn’t sure what Hinata was expecting.

 

“I was actually thinking we might go out somewhere and talk,” he spluttered, because he actually had planned that much. “But if you’re not up for it we don’t have to.”

 

Hinata exhaled. “Thank goodness.” He let himself fall back and lay down on the bed on his side. His face contorted into one of worry. “What do you need to talk about? Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I just... I don’t really know what to say.”

 

“Kageyama, you’re scaring me-“

 

“Just shut up a second- wait, that’s not what I mean.” He took a deep breath and walked over to Hinata’s bed, sitting on the floor in front of him. “Hinata, I-I-I like you. Well, that’s not right. I love you.” He waited a second for a response, but nothing came, so he kept talking. “I know it’s sudden and it’s at a bad time, because things are so chaotic and unpredictable, but I needed to tell you because I didn’t know if there would ever be another good time. So... I love you.”

 

There was more silence and Hinata just stared at him, mouth slightly agape.

 

Kageyama winced. “Do you want me to leave?”

 

“No! Kageyama, no, just...” The redhead trailed off, sitting up on the edge of his bed. “I could hurt you, Kageyama. I could hurt you really bad.” Hinata wiped away a tear. “I’m not saying that I’m going to die, but... I could.”

 

“I don’t care,” Kageyama said quickly. “If the price of loving you is that I might get hurt, I’m willing to take it.”

 

Hinata just stared at him, his defeated look turning into a smile.

 

“I think I love you too,” he said.

 

Kageyama let out a breath, taking Hinata’s hands in his.

 

“Thank God.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> already working on chapter 10! :) also i have finals this week ahaha kill me


	10. little light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bab being bab

The next few days were awkward for them. They’d never officially declared if they were boyfriends or not, but Hinata figured that it was obvious enough. Still, he couldn’t help but feel this guilt nagging at him, telling him it was unfair to force Kageyama to go through this whole ordeal with him. He pushed it away, reminding himself that it was Kageyama who confessed to him first. 

 

When the next week rolled around, it was time for his next chemo. They arrived at the hospital at around nine in the morning.

 

“Seems busy today,” his mother said.

 

Hinata winced. “I hope it doesn’t delay things.” He didn’t want to be there any longer than necessary.

 

It did, in fact, delay things.

 

They waited more than a half hour before they got to a room, and it was only then that they found out that it was going to be a long infusion today.

 

“You have a five day next week, as well,” his mother said.

 

Hinata deflated. “Seriously? I won’t be able to go to school at all.”

 

She winced, reaching a hand out to smooth his hair. “Sorry, honey.”

 

He crossed his arms and sat back while his port was accessed.

 

They ended up being there for six hours. Six hours full of restlessness and hospital sounds and smells and a worsening migraine. When they were ready to leave, Hinata stood to find that the world swayed slightly, kicking up his nausea to its fullest potential. He took an unsteady step toward the trash can by the door and heaved into it, though he luckily hadn’t eaten in a while so he didn’t end up throwing up.

 

“It’s just because of the headache,” he said afterwards, quietly because the sound of his own voice knocking around in his skull was enough to make the world turn different colors.

 

He somehow managed to get to the car, only after he was given even more medicine for the migraine. When they arrived at the house, his dad came out to greet them and ended up almost carrying him into the house and up the stairs.

 

Once situated in bed, there was a gentle knock on Hinata’s door.

 

“Come in,” he called quietly.

 

The door opened and in walked Natsu. She crept up to his bed, walking on her tip-toes, and looked at his face.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked.

 

He smiled. “I’ll be fine. I’m just sick.”

 

“You’re always sick,” she said. “Can’t the doctor give you medicine?”

 

“I got medicine today,” Hinata explained. “I’ll be getting medicine for a while before it makes me better, but in the meantime it’ll make me feel even worse. It’s going to make my hair fall out. Remember when you were little and you would paint my head?”

 

The girl grinned. “Yeah, I do- but if it makes you feel bad, then what’s the point of getting the medicine anyway?”

 

“If I don’t, then I’ll get even worse,” he said.

 

“Will you die?”

 

Hinata felt his stomach drop. “Who told you that?” They hadn’t thoroughly explained to her the gravity of the situation, let alone death as a concept. She was still only a child, and they wanted to keep it that way for just a little while longer.

 

“I told people at school my brother had cancer, and a boy told me his grandma died of cancer,” she said. “Will you die? Because I don’t want you to die.”

 

He winced. “I know you don’t. I’ll try not to, okay?”

 

He wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to mean, but she seemed satisfied enough.

 

“Okay.” She kissed his cheek. “Goodnight.”

 

He watched her go and tried to close his eyes.

 

-

 

Hinata did end up falling asleep, but it was restless. He kept dreaming of dying, or that he was already dead and he was looking back on his grieving family, unable to do anything to comfort them.

 

When he awoke, he only did so because his stomach was positively flipping around inside his body. He groaned loudly, ending in a whine, and threw himself out of bed. His knees hit the floor hard and he winced, but scrambled up to run to the bathroom to heave into the toilet. He gagged and cried and tears fell along with the vomit and soon there was someone else in the room with him, but he didn’t care who it was because he couldn’t stop crying. This bout of nausea had passed, leaving him kneeling on the ground with tears staining his cheeks. He looked over his shoulder and saw his mom right behind him, rubbing his back, and his father in the doorway.

 

Wordlessly, his father handed him a pill and a glass of water. He downed it in one small sip, for fear that it would just come right back up again. Hinata sat on the floor, knees pulled up against his chest as he leaned his back against the bathtub. No one said anything, they just stood. Hinata glanced over his dad’s shoulder, into his mother’s office and out the window. It was dark outside.

 

“What time is it,” he asked.

 

“Past eleven,” his mother said. “You’ve been sleeping a long time. We didn’t want to wake you.”

 

Hinata only hummed in response, leaning his head against the side of the bathtub and closing his eyes.

 

When the medicine started to kick in, he went back to his room. His phone was lit up in the dark, showing several messages and a few missed calls. Most of them were from Kageyama, asking him if he was okay and how he was feeling, but some of them were from his other teammates, wishing him luck on his treatment that day.

 

Head pounding because of the light, Hinata flipped his phone over. He got back into bed and fell back asleep.

 

-

 

It was early the next morning when Hinata woke up again. He cycled in and out of sleeping, waking up with a headache and nausea, and falling back asleep as soon as it passed. He didn’t check his phone the whole day, which proved to be a mistake because at around six in the afternoon, there was a knock on the door. There were words exchanged between whoever was there and Hinata’s mother, and then there were footsteps approaching his room.

 

“Come in,” he said upon hearing the knock.

 

The door opened quietly, and in walked Kageyama. Hinata couldn’t help but smile.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been responding to you, I just-“

 

“Don’t apologize, idiot,” Kageyama said. “I didn’t come here because I’m mad. I brought, er...”

 

It was only then that Hinata realized that there was a fabric shopping bag around Kageyama’s arm that he was now shuffling through. The setter sat the bag on the ground and kneeled down in front of it.

 

“I brought soup,” he said. “It doesn’t really have any flavor, but my mom said that would be good if you’re feeling sick. I also have this, uh... herbal tea? I don’t know, it said on the box that it was good for upset stomachs. I brought you a neck pillow, too, because I thought it might make you more comfortable.”

 

Hinata laid there, smiling tiredly at him, and Kageyama seemed to sweat.

 

“Is... Is this okay,” he asked nervously.

 

“It’s great,” Hinata said. “I actually haven’t eaten in a while, can you go heat up the soup?”

 

Kageyama grabbed the container. “Sure, I’ll be right back.”

 

After watching him go, Hinata was left smiling like an idiot. He sat against his pillows and turned his light on, waiting eagerly for Kageyama to get back. When he did, he carried the soup out in front of him with such concentration, it made Hinata laugh out loud.

 

“I’m taking care of you,” Kageyama said. “You should be thanking me, not laughing at me.” He gently handed the soup to Hinata.

 

The setter sat next to him on the bed and they turned on the TV, Hinata taking small sips of the broth periodically. Kageyama coming over and taking care of him without even being asked would probably end up being the highlight of Hinata’s week. The thought of being so loved made him tear up.

 

“Thank you,” the ginger said suddenly, making Kageyama jump. “Seriously. Thanks for all this.”

 

Kageyama blushed and murmured a “no problem, now eat your soup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this really quick but i went through and edited it twice so i hope it’s good. i’m really insecure about this story and my writing right now and idk why, so if you could comment what your thoughts are it would be appreciated! (keep in mind that i’m fragile lmfao)


	11. too young to burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> big oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1800 words in honor of college finals being done. all i have left are high school exams (bc i’m in college and high school at the same time don’t @ me) and then i’m done.  
> EDIT 12/17/18: i messed up the timeline so instead of making it november i made it december :)

That week was rough. Hinata spent so much time in his bed and ate so little that when the next week came, his oncologist called and told him he’d have to be admitted for his next chemo to ensure that the side effects were under control.

 

It was the third week of this cycle, and he’d be going through five days of infusions, which only meant that he’d start feeling even worse.

 

He didn’t expect it to get this bad this quick.

 

His doctor told him that it was because his body still hadn’t recovered from his last several months of treatment, but he didn’t want to hear it. He was responding severely to all of the drugs he was being put on and there seemed to be no relief in sight. Hinata didn’t care what the reason was. He just wanted it to stop.

 

On that Monday, he stopped by the school before he had to go to the hospital. His mom parked in the parking lot and he went to the gym to catch the end of practice that morning. He hadn’t told anyone he’d be coming- not even Kageyama- so he was excited to see the looks on their faces.

 

Upon opening the doors, he was met with familiar faces that looked surprised for a second, then lit up with joy.

 

“Yo, Hinata!”

 

“Hey bro!”

 

“Who let you in here?”

 

Friendly greetings were shouted at him as volleyballs fell to the floor, and all of the boys ran across the gym to say hello. Hinata was first hugged gently by Yachi, who always seemed to be a nervous wreck these days.

 

“How are you,” she asked.

 

“I’m good,” he said, because it wasn’t a lie. That day was a good day. He had enough energy that morning to wake up earlier than he needed to, so it was a win. “I’m just stopping by before I have chemo. I’m getting treatment a few days this week and I’ll be at the hospital all week to take care of symptoms and such.”

 

“You’ll be admitted all week,” Kageyama questioned, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

 

“Yeah,” Hinata said. “But you can come visit me. Just text me before you come to make sure I’m feeling up to a visit.”

 

“We can do that,” Daichi said. “I’m sure you’ll have plenty of visitors.”

 

“You’ll never be bored,” Nishinoya exclaimed.

 

“When are you coming back to school?” Yamaguchi’s voice rang louder than everyone else’s, and they all went silent as if that was the question on all of their minds.

 

“I have a break from chemo after this week,” Hinata explained. “Then I should be able to come back for a few days. Of course, it’ll start back up again soon, and there’s always the chance I could get sick.”

 

“Oh! I can come and tutor you,” Yachi said excitedly. “All of the first year classes cover the same stuff, just at different paces. I can get your work from your teachers and make sure you stay caught up! You know, whenever you feel well enough to study.”

 

She seemed so excited to be able to do her part to help, Hinata couldn’t say no.

 

“That sounds great,” he said.

 

There was a honk from outside and everyone’s heads turned. Hinata checked the time on his phone.

 

“I have to go,” he sighed, watching his friends deflate. “I’ll try and text you guys.”

 

Ukai blew his whistle and everyone said goodbye, going back towards the court. Well, everyone except Kageyama.

 

“Will you call me tonight?” Kageyama placed a hand on Hinata’s arm.

 

“Of course I will,” the redhead responded. “If I don’t, you call me. Do you promise to visit me?”

 

“Obviously,” Kageyama said.

 

“Every day?”

 

The other boy smiled slightly. “Sure. Every day- if I can. You better go.”

 

They said goodbye and Kageyama looked like he wanted to say more, but he walked away instead. When Hinata got back in the car, after hearing an earful from his mother about how they were probably going to be late now, he got a text.

 

KAGEYAMA — I love you.

 

Hinata smiled.

 

HINATA — I love you too.

 

-

 

After arriving at the hospital and getting his bracelet and getting situated in a room, Hinata was finally hooked up to his IV. He was receiving fluids when the texts from his teammates started coming in and lifted his spirits.

 

NOYA — Good luck!!!!!

 

SUGA — Keep us updated when you feel up to it :)

 

YACHI — Let me know when you feel up for a visitor!

 

Hinata didn’t know if his teammates knew how much those little messages meant to him. Even if he didn’t respond because staring at his phone too long rekindled a barely controlled headache from the medicine, he was grateful for the messages he received.

 

All too soon came the actual infusion. Hinata kept reminding himself that this was going to save him, that it was for his own good, but it was hard to keep that mindset when he thought about what was to come. Again came the familiar feeling of discomfort all throughout, the migraine and the sweating. The inpatient bed was slightly more comfortable than the other beds he’d been getting his infusions on, so he was able to sleep during most of the infusion.

 

It was several hours later when he woke up to a phone silenced by his mom and several texts from his friends asking when they could come over. He replied to them saying that it would probably have to be later in the week, but made a separate message for Kageyama.

 

HINATA — Can you come visit today? Just don’t tell anyone else because I don’t want a bunch of people here.

 

KAGEYAMA — I can probably come. Why don’t you want anyone else to come?

 

HINATA — Idk is it ok to just want my boyfriend??

 

It felt strange using the word, and it must have been strange for Kageyama to read it as well because he took a few seconds longer to respond.

 

KAGEYAMA — I can come after practice if that’s okay. Are you sure you’ll feel up to it?

 

HINATA — It’ll be okay I just want to be able to see you before I start feeling too bad.

 

KAGEYAMA — I’ll see you later then.

 

HINATA — Great!! I love you!!

 

KAGEYAMA — I love you too.

 

This meant that Kageyama would be there within the next few hours. He just had to make sure he was awake when he came and preferably not sick.

 

When the waves of nausea crashed down upon Hinata over the next couple of hours and the headache worsened, he tried his best to look out the window at the gray sky and forget about how he was feeling. was it supposed to snow soon? It was early December, so the weather was changing into colder temperatures. Hopefully it would snow for Christmas, at the very least. Hinata loved it when it snowed on Christ-

 

He was cut off in his thoughts by a rather extreme bout of nausea, one that made his stomach lurch and his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth. The nausea meds should start to kick in more soon, shouldn’t they? He sure hoped so. He didn’t want Kageyama’s visit to be full of Hinata vomiting and his boyfriend probably losing interest in him at the disgusting sight.

 

After the nausea went away, Hinata went back to distracting himself to the best of his abilities. His stomach didn’t act up as bad again, only a monotonous feeling that he had in the background.

 

The only downside to that was that he ended up falling asleep.

 

Hinata wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually he woke up to see Kageyama sitting on the guest chair beside his mother. At first he thought it was a dream, because of the way the two of them smiled at him so endearingly, but he quickly realized, much to his embarrassment, that it wasn’t.

 

“Oh, crap,” Hinata groaned. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

 

“It’s okay,” Kageyama said. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

 

“Your friend is a delight, Shouyou,” his mother exclaimed. “Why don’t you have him over more often?”

 

Hinata smiled. “I should do that, shouldn’t I?” He looked at Kageyama. “How long have you been here?”

 

“Not super long,” he replied.

 

“Now that you have company,” his mother said. “I’m going to go home and get us some fresh clothes. Want anything specific?”

 

“Nothing I can think of now,” Hinata responded. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

 

She left and Hinata smiled broadly at his boyfriend.

 

“My mom likes you a lot, what did you guys talk about?”

 

“It was more her talking and me sitting quietly and listening,” Kageyama said. “I like her though. She seems like a good mom.”

 

“Yeah,” Hinata replied. He scooted over on the bed and patted the area next to him. “Come lay down.”

 

Kageyama hesitated. “Am I allowed?”

 

“Of course, dummy, it’s my bed, my rules.” He patted the bed more aggressively. “Come on!”

 

Kageyama slipped off his shoes and got onto the bed next to Hinata, the redhead resting his head on the taller boy’s chest. Kageyama rested a hand in Hinata’s hair and combed his fingers through it. All Hinata could do was relax and close his eyes. Everything was perfect in that moment. Nothing and no one could touch them- not cancer, not any rivaling volleyball team, nothing.

 

Everything was perfect until Hinata felt some of his hair give way as Kageyama accidentally caught his fingers on it. Such a small tug wouldn’t have done anything to any normal person’s hair, but Hinata’s hair fell out in Kageyama’s hand in a big clump. The smaller boy heard his boyfriend’s breath hitch and his heart speed up from where his head lay on his chest and immediately turned to look at the amount of hair in his hand, then at the horrified look on Kageyama’s face.

 

“I-I didn’t mean- did that hurt? I’m sorry-“

 

“No! It’s okay,” Hinata said. “It’s okay, my hair should start falling out around this time anyway. Well, I didn’t expect it to be this soon, but still, it was going to happen sooner or later.”

 

Kageyama was still frozen, hair in hand. He looked more sad now than anything. Hinata took the hair from Kageyama’s hand and put it on the table by his bed.

 

“It’s fine,” he reiterated. “Let’s just relax.”

 

Hinata laid his head back down and Kageyama’s hand found itself now on his back instead of his head. The ginger wanted to stay awake to make sure Kageyama was okay, but his eyelids kept falling shut until he gave in to the pull of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am big sicky ugh i’m literally always sick i had a kidney stone early this month and now i have a really bad cold and my fever keeps going up and down and EUGH this is just 2 much 4 me bros.  
> also i have this instagram acct that has more than 7k followers on it and i found the other day that a lot of hq writers on here are like friends on instagram and stuff and i kinda want to be involved in that but i’m also scared bc NO ONE irl can find out about this acct lol i would be ruined so i can’t have the worlds of AO3 and instagram cross over and idk it makes me sad  
> ANYWAY it’s whatever drop some kudos and comments bois (if u feel i am deserving of them uwu)  
> PS one of the next chapters (either the next one or the one after that) will be a CHRISTMAS CHAPTER i can’t wait ok bye


	12. changes in my vision

Hinata awoke when Kageyama stirred. He looked up at him and saw that there was a dusting of hair spread across his black shirt. Shrugging off the knowledge that he’d soon be hairless, Hinata laid his eyes on the taller boy.

 

Kageyama was still asleep, his face peaceful. Hinata saw a freckle on his chin that he’d never noticed before. There was a little scar just underneath his left eyebrow that he’d have to ask about later- it was probably from something volleyball related, knowing him. All little things Hinata would never have noticed if they hadn’t gotten so close.

 

His eyes then drifted to the other side of the room, to where the recliner sat. His mother sat upon it, reading a book. He blushed and she seemed to sense that he was awake because she glanced up at him over the pages.

 

Hinata cleared his throat quietly. “Hi,” he whispered.

 

“You comfortable,” his mother asked with a smile.

 

He nodded and rested his head back on Kageyama’s chest, but he didn’t go back to sleep. Hinata couldn’t tell if it was the anxiety about his mother watching them cuddle or the medicine wearing off, but the nausea was starting to kick up again. He sat up, patting Kageyama’s chest to wake him up.

 

“Get up,” he said softly. “I don’t want to throw up on you.”

 

Kageyama opened his eyes and winced at the light, stretching as he sat up.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He placed a hand on the small of Hinata’s back, but retracted it when he saw Hinata’s mother in the room.

 

“I don’t feel good, I think the meds are wearing off,” Hinata replied.

 

Kageyama stood quickly. “What do you need?”

 

“Nothing. There’s nothing we can do until it’s time for my next dose.”

 

The setter scowled at that, pursing his lips and looking upward as if he were trying to calculate some way to make Hinata feel better.

 

“It’s fine,” the ginger said. “Just sit down and talk to me. It makes me feel better.”

 

Kageyama moved to the visitors chair and Hinata cradled his puke bucket in his lap. He picked up his phone and checked the time.

 

“Wow, shouldn’t you go home?”

 

Kageyama raised his eyebrows and looked at the window, eyes widening when he saw that the sun had already set. He whipped out his phone and checked the time as well.

 

“I should get my parents to get me, since it’s so dark,” he said.

 

Hinata deflated at the confirmation. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

“Hey,” Kageyama said, leaning forward. “I’ll be back whenever you want me back. Just let me know.”

 

At that, Hinata couldn’t help but smile. “Okay.”

 

They said their goodbyes and Kageyama went down to wait for his mother in the lobby. Hinata sat on his bed, staring at the now shut door as a wave of nausea washed over him. His eyes filled with tears and he stared into the bucket in his lap.

 

“Shouyou?” His mother was by his side in an instant.

 

“I’m okay,” he said. “Ugh...”

 

He gagged into the bucket.

 

At least the sickness held off until Kageyama left.

 

-

 

That week was brutal. Hinata didn’t get out of bed except for when he needed to use the bathroom. He had no strength and felt absolutely horrible- not to mention the fact that his hair was starting to fall out more and more.

 

He declined any visitors for the rest of his chemo. He had phone calls with Kageyama, who seemed more down than usual, but other than that he didn’t really talk to anyone. He didn’t mean to push them away, he just didn’t want them to know how sick he really was.

 

When all five days of his chemo were done, Hinata knew he would be in the hospital for at least a couple more days. The side effects were far too severe for him to go home.

 

“What? I thought you said it would just be this week,” Kageyama said during their nightly call that Friday.

 

“I know, but I’m probably going to be in until at least Sunday.”

 

“Can I at least come see you?” The way that Kageyama’s voice wavered ever so slightly made Hinata’s heart break.

 

“If I’m feeling better on... You know what? Just plan to come tomorrow.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, of course! I really want to see you.”

 

“I want to see you, too. Also,” Kageyama hesitated. “What should I tell the team? They’ve been worrying like crazy. I think it would help if you texted the group chat.”

 

“I’ll send them something later,” Hinata replied. “How has practice been?”

 

“Good. We have a training camp coming up soon.“

 

“When is it?”

 

“It’s in January.” Hinata gasped and Kageyama continued. “I guess it’s not soon, technically, but I’m still excited to see the other-“

 

“If it’s that far out, I could see if I could arrange to be able to go,” Hinata said. He could practically hear Kageyama’s disapproval. “Not for the entire time! Just for one night, or maybe two. I’ll talk to my mom about it- make sure you get me one of the sign up papers!”

 

Hinata’s mother looked at him from across the room and he winced at her glare. She must have known what he was talking about.

 

“We’ll see,” Kageyama said. “I should probably go to sleep. We’re practicing early tomorrow morning because the third years are taking some placement test for college.”

 

“Okay, sleep well,” Hinata replied, almost thankful that they were hanging up because his eyelids were beginning to droop shut.

 

That night was fitful. He threw up more than once and was awake even when he wasn’t, tossing and turning because no position was comfortable enough. Hinata may have slept for a couple of hours, if any, but what little sleep he did get was not restful at all.

 

When the sun rose and the doctor came in for rounds, he was able to take a short break from IV fluids to take a shower. If Kageyama was coming like they planned, Hinata didn’t want to be all smelly and pukey.

 

He got to the edge of his bed when his IV was disconnected and placed his feet on the floor, standing and feeling his knees start to buckle. The redhead rested all of his weight on his arms, bracing his hands against the bed. He tested out his legs, making sure they were stable before making a rather slow and stiff trek to the bathroom.

 

The shower was nice and refreshing. He could feel the gross sweat that had accumulated over the nights of sickness and the days of infusions just wash away. The warm water did wonders to relax Hinata’s stiff muscles.

 

It was when he decided to wash his hair that it fell out in clumps, and he watched it fall onto the floor as he rinsed his head. For now the remaining hair would be able to cover the bald spots, but soon his hair would become so unruly that he’d have to shave it all off.

 

After his shower, Hinata got back into bed and watched TV until there was a soft knock on his door. Kageyama walked in, a small smile on his face. Hinata couldn’t help but beam.

 

“Hey,” the ginger shouted with excitement, a little too loud because the word rattled around in his brain and caused him to visibly wince. “Come sit,” he continued at a much quieter voice.

 

Kageyama did so, quietly greeting Hinata’s mother.

 

“How have you been,” Kageyama asked.

 

“Could be better,” Hinata replied. “But it could also be worse.”

 

They talked and talked- well, it was mostly Hinata talking and Kageyama listening- until the redhead was cut off by another bout of nausea. He hunched over his bucket and groaned, Kageyama flinching backwards from where he was leaning on the bed.

 

“What’s wrong,” he asked urgently.

 

“It’s nothing,” Hinata grunted. “I don’t feel- ugh!”

 

He retched into the bucket all of the water he managed to drink since he threw up last. Kageyama stood up and looked at Hinata’s mother, who made her way over to the bed and began rubbing her son’s back.

 

“Are you okay,” Kageyama asked. “What do you need?”

 

Hinata only groaned and held up a finger. He gagged a few more times before he seemed like he was done and he swished some water around in his mouth to rinse it out. He turned to his mom.

 

“Can you get me some ice?”

 

“Of course,” she responded, walking out of the room.

 

Kageyama was still stood next to the bed, staring down at Hinata with worry in his eyes. The worry was bordering on fear.

 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said tearfully. “I don’t want you to see me like this, I just... I just want to be able to see you.”

 

Kageyama sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed his hand.

 

“I know,” the setter said. “It’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting it. Do you feel any better?”

 

“A little.”

 

Kageyama muttered a “good” and wrapped an arm around Hinata, pulling him closer and allowing the redhead to rest his head on Kageyama’s shoulder.

 

“I don’t care if you throw up the entire time that I’m here,” Kageyama said. “I just want to be here. I’m here for you whether you’re sick or not.”

 

Hinata sniffed. “Okay.”

 

So they sat, watching some dramatic commercial on TV about a car that neither of them would be able to afford. Hinata hoped his mother never came back with the ice. He wanted to stay just like this for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be the CHRISTMAS CHAPTER :D


	13. when the party’s over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS CHAPTER!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost 4000 words as a christmas gift from me to you! :)

Snow fell from the sky over Karasuno as Kageyama walked into the gym on that Wednesday morning. He unwrapped his scarf from around his neck and placed it over his bag, taking his jacket off to reveal his practice clothes.

 

There were tired greetings, because who wanted to be up this early and come here in the frigid weather- especially when school was already done for the semester? Nonetheless, everyone showed up and was ready to practice. That is, everyone that didn’t have a life threatening illness.

 

Even though no one knew how long it would be until Hinata would be able to play again, he was still a part of the team. The number ten would always be his and their freak quicks would always be talked about as if one half of the freak duo wasn’t fighting for his life.

 

The boys began practice, each of them getting into a sluggish sort of pace, when about thirty minutes in the door opened. All heads turned to reveal a short figure engulfed in a large winter coat with a grey beanie on, but no red hair peeking out from underneath. Still, even without the trademark hair, it was undeniable who it was.

 

“Hinata!”

 

There were several shouts of his name and people dropped their volleyballs to go and greet him, Nishinoya hugging him roughly. The way Hinata stumbled and almost went down made Kageyama want to pull him off, but he regained his balance and hugged the libero back.

 

The setter stood and watched the rest of the team reunite with Hinata, because it had been quite a while since they’d seen him. When all was said and done, Hinata walked up to him.

 

“So you’re not going to hug me? Or say hello?”

 

Kageyama scoffed. “Why would I do that?”

 

“Just come here,” Hinata said, wrapping his arms around Kageyama’s waist.

 

They hugged for a long time, Kageyama feeling how cold Hinata had gotten from the snow outside. They separated and Hinata faced the rest of the team.

 

“I, um... my hair was starting to fall out a lot so I shaved my head the other-“

 

“Yes!” Everyone’s heads turned at the sound of cheering, and saw Tanaka standing there with his fists in the air in victory. “Let’s see! Take the hat off!”

 

Hinata laughed. “Okay!”

 

He took the beanie off and revealed a freshly shaven head, some areas having stubble sticking out and other areas completely bare. After a second of silence, Tanaka whooped.

 

“You look great,” the second year exclaimed.

 

There were shouts of agreement and Kageyama patted Hinata on the back and leaned down to say something in his ear.

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

 

“Me too,” the former ginger replied.

 

Hinata sat down on the bench while the rest of them played and Kageyama couldn’t stop looking over at him while he set volleyballs to his teammates. The way Hinata talked to Yachi without a care in the world, even though he’d already visibly lost weight and his skin was pale. When he took his coat off he had bruises all over his arms, maybe from various needle pricks, maybe as a symptom of the cancer. Even so, Kageyama admires the way he carried himself- head held high, not ashamed of how different he looked or how limited he was.

 

Practice finally ended and Kageyama walked up to Hinata once the gym cleared.

 

“Want to go get something to eat,” he asked.

 

Hinata looked at him with raised eyebrows and a slight smile. “Only if you change first. You stink.”

 

Kageyama flicked him on the nose and let go of his hand, jogging over to the bathroom to change. He knew he loved Hinata for a reason other than the fact that he was adorable- and there it was.

 

Once Hinata had gotten permission from his parents to go out, they set off down the street to a small cafe. It was such a short distance, but the walk took twice as long as it normally would since Hinata’s energy level was so low. They finally got there and Kageyama helped Hinata into a seat, where he took off his hat and jacket.

 

“Are you okay?” Kageyama asked. “We probably shouldn’t have walked- and it’s cold, too.”

 

“I’m fine,” Hinata said, smiling even though his cheeks were flushed and a bead of sweat ran down his temple. “Can you get me some water? I’ll order something else once I cool off.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Kageyama rushed to the front, and then stared at the bottles of water that sat in a refrigerator. Did Hinata want bottled water or ice water? He supposed that ice water was better, but did Hinata feel the same?

 

Whatever! It was just water. Kageyama asked the cashier for a cup of water and it was given to him quickly. He rushed back and handed it to Hinata, who smiled and thanked him.

 

“You’ve been slacking at practice,” the boy said.

 

Kageyama started. “What?”

 

“I can tell by the way you played today,” Hinata continued. “You didn’t jump as high, or run as fast, and your sets were super off. You think that just because I can’t play you can slack off too?”

 

“What the- that’s not-“

 

“I have cancer, Kageyama, what’s your excuse?”

 

The setter scowled. “I’m not slacking. I was just distracted today.” Hinata looked at him expectantly and Kageyama sighed. “Because I was excited that you were there.”

 

Hinata, who had stopped sweating and looked a bit less red, reached to take Kageyama’s hand. “I’m glad I was there, but I’m not going to keep coming if it means you won’t play right.”

 

Kageyama frowned. “Whatever.”

 

The shorter boy only laughed. “Let’s go get some food.”

 

-

 

After the two finished eating, Hinata’s dad came to pick them up. They dropped Kageyama off at home and he spent the whole night alone- well, alone with the family dog who was weirdly attached to him.

 

He wondered how Hinata fared that night, if he went home and essentially passed out from exhaustion. If Kageyama wanted to take him out anywhere in the future, he’d have to make sure they either had someone drive them or had a wheelchair with them.

 

On Friday night, Kageyama received a phone call. It was from Hinata, according to caller ID, which was strange because they had just spoken earlier that afternoon. He answered and was met with a sad, disappointed voice.

 

“Hey,” Hinata said glumly.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“I don’t think I can do anything with you tomorrow.” Hinata’s voice wavered and broke and Kageyama felt his heart drop.

 

“What is it? Are you okay?”

 

“No, Kageyama, I’m not,” he said tearfully. “I feel like shit and my mom wants me to stay home and rest, and I know I should because if I don’t then I’ll go out and end up getting sick.”

 

“I can go to you if you want,” the setter responded. “Or we don’t have to do anything. We can do something on a different day.”

 

“I just want to make your birthday special, Tobio.”

 

Right, it was his birthday tomorrow. He never wanted people to make a big deal about his birthdays, so as he got older his family did less and less to celebrate.

 

Kageyama’s response was delayed because he was caught off guard by the use of his given name. They hadn’t done that yet- hell, they hadn’t kissed yet, either. They were taking things slow, almost as if they were both too afraid to dive right in because of the fear that the rug would be pulled out from under them.

 

“Shouyou,” Kageyama tried. “It’s fine. We don’t have to do anything special. I’d prefer if we didn’t, anyway. I’ll come to your house, we can make hot chocolate, and we can watch some TV.”

 

“Do you want me to ask Mom to get some peppermint sticks from the store?”

 

Kageyama smiled, because he didn’t think Hinata was even paying attention at the very beginning of the school year when he mentioned that he liked his hot chocolate with peppermint sticks in it.

 

“Sure,” he replied.

 

Hinata made a few more glum remarks, and Kageyama tried to stay as positive as possible. Hearing Hinata sniffle after every sentence and talk at such a low, tired tone made the setter want to run to his house right now, but it was freezing outside and it was pitch black and he didn’t plan on getting hit by a car or dying of hypothermia tonight.

 

They eventually said goodbye, because Hinata started falling asleep on the other end, and hung up. After a not-so-restful nights sleep, Kageyama got his mother to drop him off at Hinata’s house the next morning. Hinata was already opening the door and coming outside before he even got to it.

 

“Get inside, dumbass,” Kageyama said. “You’ll get sick.”

 

Hinata rolled his eyes and walked in, Kageyama going in after him. The house was full of character, Christmas decorations on every shelf and lights decorating the mantle. Their Christmas tree was big, and it was full of homemade ornaments from both children over the years. The amount of spirit in the air made Kageyama smile.

 

“The hot chocolate is almost done,” Hinata said.

 

Kageyama was about to respond, but when he looked down at the bald boy all he saw were the dark smudges under his eyes, and how his skin had lost most of its color. He looked absolutely exhausted, to say the least.

 

“You know, you don’t have to entertain me the whole time,” Kageyama said. “We can just turn on the TV and rest, if you want.”

 

Hinata looked upset at first, almost frantic as if he were trying to find something to say, but he soon gave in. He sighed, shoulders slouching.

 

“Yeah, that would be nice,” he said.

 

Once the hot chocolate was done, the boys grabbed their mugs and put in marshmallows and peppermint. Hinata made a mountain of marshmallows while Kageyama grabbed three peppermint sticks for his as they went toward the stairs.

 

Upon reaching the room, Hinata grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.

 

“You can watch whatever you want,” he said, handing the remote to Kageyama.

 

The setter took it as Hinata rearranged the pillows on his bed and motioned for Kageyama to get into it. He did so and Hinata laid down next to him. Kageyama flipped through the channels while Hinata got comfortable and situated on a Christmas movie that he’d never heard of before.

 

“Ugh,” Hinata exclaimed. “Do you seriously want to watch Hallmark Christmas movies?”

 

Kageyama shrugged. “We don’t have to.”

 

Hinata only sighed, cuddling further into his chest. “No, if you want to watch it it’s fine.”

 

So Kageyama watched the movie about a man who was going to be alone on Christmas up until he found love of his own. Was it sappy? Maybe. But did Kageyama like it? Also maybe. As he watched, Hinata’s breathing slowed and evened out until he was asleep. The setter looked down at his boyfriends face, looking at the freckles on his nose and what was left of his once long eyelashes.

 

Kageyama knew how blessed he was to have this moment. This was the best birthday gift he could have ever asked for.

 

-

 

Christmas Eve Day- a day full of anticipation and festivities. It would be a full day, because Kageyama had a lot planned.

 

Before going home on his birthday, Kageyama exchanged phone numbers with both of Hinata’s parents. He found out that they did have a wheelchair for Hinata and that the family didn’t have anything planned for Christmas Eve- much to Kageyama’s excitement.

 

On that morning, he arranged for Suga to pick them up and take them to the heart of town in the afternoon. Karasuno had a Christmas festival that went on the week leading up to the holiday, and Kageyama figured that nothing would be a better date than this- especially since Hinata loved Christmas. He had at least seven Christmas sweaters and his bedroom was strewn with colored lights and tinsel.

 

Suga would be on standby- just at his house, which was right in town- in case Hinata started feeling poorly or if they needed another ride anywhere. Other than that, they’d be using Hinata’s wheelchair to ensure that he didn’t get too tired too quickly.

 

In mid-afternoon, Suga arrived at Kageyama’s house. He left with money and lots of extra hand warmers in his pockets to ensure that everything went perfectly. This had to be perfect. They had to have one perfect night where nothing could take that away.

 

Getting into the car, Kageyama looked nervously at Suga’s smiling face.

 

“So,” the third year said. “Is this a date?”

 

Kageyama blushed. “Does everyone know?”

 

“I only told Daichi,” Suga replied. “You know, Daichi and I have been dating since our second year.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

Suga glanced at him, but kept his eyes on the road. “What?”

 

“I had a feeling. Why don’t you tell people?”

 

Suga raised an eyebrow. “Why aren’t you guys telling anyone?”

 

“I- Well, it’s no one else’s business.“

 

“Mm-hmm,” Suga hummed. “Okay. Daichi and I just don’t want it to distract people. Plus, his parents aren’t exactly the most accepting people, so we’re keeping it quiet until he moves out.”

 

“Oh.” Kageyama hadn’t really thought about what his parents would think. He didn’t think they were homophobic, but they never exactly talked about it.

 

The car stopped and Kageyama looked up at the Hinata household, its colorful lights and large wreaths decorating the outside.

 

“You can come with me,” Kageyama said.

 

Suga beamed. “Alright!”

 

The two of them started towards the door, the younger boy knocking on it in the same rhythm he always did. Hinata’s father answered.

 

“You know,” the man said. “We might as well give you a key by now. Come in!”

 

Suga shook the mans hand and introduced himself while Kageyama kicked off his shoes. He spotted Hinata, sitting on the couch with a cup of jello, looking confused.

 

“What’s going on,” he asked.

 

“We’re going out,” Kageyama replied. “Get up and put on some warm clothes. I’ll grab your wheelchair.”

 

Hinata’s cheeks reddened. “We-We don’t need the wheelchair-“

 

“Yes, we do,” Kageyama said sternly. “I’m not having you passing out or throwing up because you get tired after an hour. Come on, now.”

 

Scowling and sticking his tongue out, Hinata got up and went upstairs. Hinata’s mother turned to him, excitement evident on her face.

 

“You’re so good with him,” she said. “He’s usually so stubborn about the chair. You wouldn’t be able to guess how many trips we’ve had to cut short because he refused to let us bring it with us.”

 

Kageyama smiled slightly. “He’s definitely stubborn.”

 

When Hinata came back downstairs, his mother handed him a small bag that rattled when she moved it.

 

“There’s medicine for nausea and headaches,” she said. “Remember that if you start to feel bad, you need to rest before it gets out of hand.”

 

Hinata pursed his lips. “Okay,” he said.

 

When he turned to follow his friends, Kageyama caught a glimpse of an eye roll. Suga raised an eyebrow at the short boy, who stood up straight and turned back to his parents.

 

“Uh- Love you!”

 

Then, they were out the door. Kageyama loaded the wheelchair into the trunk while the others got into the car and then they were off. Suga made banter as they got closer to town and Hinata responded excitedly, asking over and over again what they were doing.

 

“You’ll see,” Kageyama said.

 

Suga stopped the car just on the edge of town and Kageyama opened his door. Hinata stopped, taking in his surroundings, before turning back to his boyfriend.

 

“What’s this?”

 

Kageyama looked at him, dumbfounded. “Uhm, it’s Karasuno’s Christmas festival. They have one every year. Have you never been to one?”

 

Hinata shrugged. “I guess since I technically live in the next town over, I never knew about it until now.”

 

This only made Kageyama more excited.

 

“Have fun, you two,” Suga shouted as he left them. “But not too much fun!”

 

Hinata sent Kageyama a glance before the setter pointed to the wheelchair.

 

“Sit on it,” he said.

 

“What? No,” Hinata insisted. “I’m telling you I don’t need to.”

 

“What, so you want me to push around an empty wheelchair all night?”

 

Hinata scowled. “Fine.”

 

He sat down and crossed his arms as Kageyama pushed him forward. They went down the first street and Hinata’s posture immediately straightened, the boy becoming alert with excitement.

 

“Oh my God, Kageyama,” he exclaimed. “Look at all these cute little shops! We have to go in this one- no, to the left!”

 

Kageyama knew then that he made the best decision possible bringing Hinata here.

 

-

 

After walking in and out of several stores filled with overpriced trinkets, the boys found themselves in a little bakery on the corner of two streets. They sat by a window, looking out onto the street. The occasional horse drawn carriage would drive by, children pointing in wonder at the large Clydesdales.

 

Kageyama went and ordered their drinks and sweets after situating Hinata at the table. When he looked back at his boyfriend, the soft glow from the streetlights outside illuminated his face just enough so that his freckles were visible. The shorter boy reached up and pulled his hat further over his red ears. Kageyama was so lost in the moment that he almost didn’t notice when their drinks were ready.

 

“Here’s your cookie,” Kageyama said. “And your drink.”

 

Hinata frowned. “Why didn’t you get a cookie? Aren’t the cookies here supposed to be really good?”

 

“Yeah, I just wasn’t in the mood for-“

 

“We’ll split mine.”

 

Kageyama tried to protest, but Hinata was already ripping his cookie in half, saving the larger half for himself. Kageyama didn’t protest, he just took the cookie half and took a bite.

 

“You know,” Hinata said. “I have my first round of tests next week to see how treatment is going.”

 

Kageyama felt a lump form in his throat, but swallowed it.

 

“Yeah? What does that mean?”

 

“Just blood tests I think,” he said. “If my counts are better or stay the same, I’ll continue with the same treatment.”

 

“And if they’re worse?”

 

“Then the doctor might want to do some other tests, and I’ll be looking at other options.”

 

Kageyama’s palms started to sweat. “Other options such as...?”

 

“More aggressive chemo, some radiation on top of that, I don’t know, really.” Hinata seemed to sense how uneasy he was, because he grabbed his hands. “Hey, I’ll be fine.”

 

“You- Yeah,” Kageyama said, clearing his throat. “Yes, you will.”

 

Once Kageyama finished his drink, they decided to leave the bakery. Kageyama still had one last thing he wanted to show Hinata before it got too late and they both got too worn out. He wheeled the other boy, who was still sipping on his hot chocolate, up to a street corner, and then stopped.

 

“Why’d we stop,” Hinata asked.

 

“Because I want you to be prepared for what I’m going to show you,” Kageyama replied.

 

Hinata looked at him quizzically, but Kageyama only wheeled him forward and around the corner.

 

In front of them stood a massive Christmas tree, larger than if Hinata were to sit on Kageyama’s shoulders. It had colorful lights wrapping all around it and a silver star sat on top, illuminating the entire street with brilliant light of all hues. Hinata didn’t say anything as they went closer to the tree, and Kageyama knew from the way his jaw was slack and his eyes were wide that he was mesmerized. He stopped the chair about ten feet away from the tree and Hinata looked up and down, taking it all in. Then, the boy looked to Kageyama.

 

“It’s beautiful,” he said.

 

Kageyama only nodded and looked back to the tree. He felt the chair jostle slightly and lowered his gaze to find Hinata putting on the breaks and planting his feet on the ground. He didn’t protest as the redhead stood and took a step away from his chair. Kageyama took a couple of steps forward to stand next to him, taking Hinata’s cold hand in his own.

 

“I love you,” Hinata said.

 

Kageyama moved to face Hinata, taking both of his hands in his own. He took in the sight of Hinata’s face, his slightly emotional expression and the red tip of his nose.

 

“Can I kiss you,” Kageyama asked.

 

Hinata nodded fervently.

 

Their lips connected and Kageyama felt free. He wrapped an arm around Hinata’s waist, and a hand gently resting on the back of his head. Hinata held onto him for dear life, hands fisted in his jacket. His lips were so soft, which was surprising considering how the frigid winter wind had been biting at their faces all afternoon. Though the kiss itself was clumsy and awkward, noses never in the right place and breathing heavy, it was still perfect.

 

Hinata was the first to pull away, looking at Kageyama with a sort of sad, longing expression.

 

“What is it,” the taller boy asked. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I, uh... I’ve had a really good time tonight.” The boy hesitated. “I just- I really- I don’t feel good. I think I need to go home.”

 

His voice became thick and a couple of tears fell onto his cheeks as he sat back down onto the chair. Kageyama crouched down in front of him.

 

“That’s fine, I’ll tell Suga to meet us by the edge of the festival. How about we get a carriage ride over there?”

 

Some of the sadness left Hinata’s eyes immediately. “Can we do that?”

 

“Definitely. The next one we see, we’ll take.”

 

Kageyama started walking slowly, every once in a while placing a half on Hinata’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze. They’d been at the festival for a few hours, so it was no shock that Hinata would be tired. He made it a long time, though, and Kageyama was thankful that they brought the wheelchair with them.

 

At the sound of trotting horses, Kageyama turned and waved to get the driver’s attention. The man stopped along the sidewalk.

 

“Would you two like a ride,” he asked with a smile.

 

“If possible, yes,” Kageyama replied.

 

The man got down and the two of them helped Hinata up into the carriage, then they got the wheelchair in. Kageyama asked the man if he could take them where they needed to go, and he obliged, Kageyama noting that he wanted to pay the man a little extra.

 

As the horses began to trot on their way, Kageyama looked to Hinata.

 

“You know, you did really good today,” he said. “You made it a long time before we had to leave. I almost ran out of things to show you.”

 

Hinata smiled. “I just wish this night could last forever. No interruptions, no cancer, no doctors or school or anything. Just you and me and this carriage and that tree.”

 

Kageyama squeezed his hand. “I know, but it was fun while it lasted- and who knows? Maybe we can do it again next year.”

 

Hinata didn’t look comforted. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

Kageyama trained his eyes on his lap, listening to the sounds of hooves on the road as snow fell all around them. Hinata laid his head on Kageyama’s shoulder, and in that moment the dark haired boy realized his boyfriend was right. He wished this night would go on forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy holidays guys :)))


	14. out of focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all have had a good holiday season so far. happy kwanzaa to those who celebrate!!

Christmas had passed and the date of Hinata’s first round of tests came hurtling toward them. He hung out with his friends over the break, attending and watching their optional practices. He got an array of hats for Christmas from various people, in various colors and styles. Every time he would wear one that someone on the team gave him, they would get incredibly excited that he was using their gift.

 

The morning of Hinata’s day full of needles and getting poked and prodded, he texted Kageyama the whole way. He’d been texting his boyfriend non-stop lately. Ever since their first kiss, all Hinata wanted to do was recreate that moment. When he wasn’t with Kageyama, he was texting Kageyama, or thinking about Kageyama, or talking about Kageyama, or dreaming about Kageyama. Their innocent love had sparked a physical longing inside Hinata, and all he wanted was for Kageyama to be there with him.

 

When he got to the hospital, he found that in addition to the normal blood tests, he would be having a bone marrow biopsy. The procedure was always rather unpleasant, though not necessarily too painful. Hinata just so happened to be a hard stick in every way possible. His veins were impossible to find, spinal taps never worked, so the ease of the biopsy was going to be questionable.

 

Despite his anxiety, he went into it with an open mind, which proved to be valuable. The procedure went rather smoothly, and though Hinata was in quite a bit of pain afterward because they had to stick him more than once and burst a few veins, it wasn’t nearly as bad as he anticipated.

 

After the tests were done, Hinata went home. That alone took several hours and amounted to an exhausting day, but he still texted Kageyama again instead of taking a nap.

 

HINATA — Can you come over?

 

TOBIO — Do you feel up to it? And are your parents okay with it?

 

HINATA — I feel fine and my parents will be fine with it.

 

TOBIO — You need to ask first. I’m not showing up at your house without permission.

 

Hinata groaned. He heard footsteps shuffling outside in the hallway, the same pace and weight of his dad.

 

“Dad? Can you come here?”

 

After a beat, his door opened.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Can Kageyama come over today?”

 

“Shouyou, you need to rest. You’ve been out a lot lately.”

 

“We won’t be doing anything, we’ll just watch TV or something,” Hinata explained. “Please?”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t,” his dad replied. “Rest for today, and maybe tomorrow you can have someone over.”

 

“He’s going to his grandparents tomorrow for the holidays,” the boy whined.

 

“Shouyou,” his dad said.

 

That was all he said, but his eyes told Hinata that he needed to stop pushing because that was going to be the final answer.

 

“Fine,” he grumbled.

 

“Do you need more water,” his dad asked on his way out.

 

“No.”

 

With that the door was shut. Hinata picked his phone back up.

 

HINATA — Dad said no.

 

TOBIO — That’s exactly why you need to ask before I come over.

 

HINATA — Whatever.

 

HINATA — I really miss you.

 

There was a delay, and then Hinata’s phone started ringing and Kageyama’s contact picture popped up on the screen.

 

“Hey,” he answered.

 

“I just saw you the other day,” Kageyama said. “What’s going on with you?”

 

Hinata rolled over in bed onto his side.

 

“It’s boring here,” he said. “I get lonely and I can’t go anywhere so I want you to come here.”

 

“I get that,” Kageyama said. “But I can’t, so can you wait like two more days?”

 

“I want you here now,” Hinata cried, just realizing that tears had welled up in his eyes.

 

“What’s with you all of a sudden,” Kageyama asked. “Did everything go okay today?”

 

Hinata tried to hold in his tears, his bottom lip starting to wobble.

 

“I-I’m just scared for what the tests will say, and my back hurts from the biopsy, and I just don’t want to be alone.”

 

“You’re not alone, though,”

Kageyama said in an almost confused tone. “Your family is right there with you. You have three people in the house with you- granted one is like seven- and I’m sure they all would be happy to keep you company.”

 

Hinata sighed, breath shuddering a little bit. “Okay.”

 

“Go get one of them to keep you company, and rest today, please,” Kageyama said, basically begging him to take it easy.

 

“Okay,” Hinata said again.

 

They hung up- or rather Kageyama hung up and Hinata listened to the phone go silent, then start beeping at him as if to taunt him. He felt a horrible, uneasy feeling situate in his stomach. What was causing this sheer anxiety?

 

Reluctantly, Hinata texted his mother. She came into his bedroom within a few seconds, a worried look on her face. He explained how he felt and she sat down on the edge of his bed, hand rubbing his head.

 

“Whatever the tests say, we can get through it,” she said. “Do you want me to stay for a little while?”

 

“Yeah,” he replied.

 

It was only then that he was able to sleep.

 

-

 

The next couple of days passed and Hinata’s doctor called, wanting to schedule another appointment. He didn’t say specifically what it was about, but he did say that it would concern the rest of his treatment.

 

The bad feeling in Hinata’s stomach immediately worsened. It was probably unwarranted, right? They would need to talk about his treatments at some point- side effects, the works- so that was probably what this was. He just couldn’t help feeling anxious.

 

On the way there, Hinata texted Kageyama. He explained what was going on and the other reassured him, though he could tell that his boyfriend was just as uneasy as he was.

 

They got to the doctor’s office and sat down. He smiled at them with a smile that made Hinata know immediately what he was going to say.

 

“Your tests came back and didn’t show the results that we hoped to see,” the man said.

 

Hinata looked down and his mother’s hand found its way over to his.

 

“There was progression of the cancer, so your current treatments won’t be enough to reach remission.”

 

“What other options are there?” His mom’s voice was almost frantic.

 

“I would like to use a more aggressive form of chemotherapy. That being said, the side effects will be more severe, and your body is already responding rather harshly. I just want you to be ready.”

 

His mom looked over at him. “Are you okay?”

 

“Mm-hmm,” he said. “Uhm, yeah, we’ll do whatever we need to do.”

 

It was settled. The two of them left the hospital in a daze, not saying a word on the drive home. Hinata’s phone went off with notifications but he ignored each one, instead going inside and locking himself in his bedroom.

 

-

 

Two days later, after not talking to anyone the entire time, there was a knock on Hinata’s front door. He didn’t respond to it, instead retreating back to his bedroom, but his father opened the door. Hinata paid no attention to the voices conversing as he locked his door behind him, because if anyone was there for him he wasn’t interested.

 

Sure enough, it was Kageyama.

 

“Shouyou?” Kageyama knocked on his bedroom door. “Your dad told me what’s going on. Will you please let me in?”

 

Hinata stared at the door silently.

 

“I want to-“ Kageyama lowered his voice. “I want to hold you, Shouyou. Please let me in.”

 

The boy stood, unlocking the door and opening it to stare his boyfriend in the face. Kageyama’s eyes were wide with concern and the frown set on his face was far too deep. Neither of them said anything while Hinata grabbed Kageyama’s hand and led him towards the bed, closing the door behind him. The two sat on the bed and Hinata let Kageyama engulf him.

 

That’s when he cried. Tears fell like a waterfall from his eyes because the end to this hell was nowhere in sight. Because this just reinforced his idea that he was going to die without graduating high school. He wailed into Kageyama’s chest and he heard his boyfriend’s wobbling voice trying to calm him down, but he also felt teardrops hitting the top of his bald head and he knew that Kageyama was just as terrified as he was.

 

So they sat together and cried, two teens who only wanted a life together- however short it may be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK amirite


	15. how do we win?

Time progressed and Hinata’s recovery period was over, which meant that it was time to start his new, more aggressive form of chemo. The doctors weren’t sure how he would react to the different drugs, as he was already weak to begin with, so he was admitted to the hospital with the promise that he could go home soon if he responded well.

 

He went through the motions of starting the new treatment and it was, needless to say, horrible. Hinata didn’t think he’d ever vomited more violently from one single treatment in his life.

 

Never telling his teammates that he had to undergo more aggressive treatment happened to be a mistake, because they wondered why he was so sick now. They wondered why he went silent for so long. The truth was that he almost didn’t want to talk to them again until he had better news for them. This mindset made perfect sense in his mind- that is, until a text from Suga came in one morning.

 

That morning, Hinata had thrown up everything that he ate and drank. He was sweaty and gross and only wanted to sleep, which made him resent the “ding” sound that his phone emitted.

 

SUGA — We’re all really worried about you. I’m really worried about you. I know you’re going through something awful, but wouldn’t it make it easier to let us help you carry the weight that’s resting on your shoulders?

 

Hinata read the message, then read it again. While he was re-reading it, a second message came in.

 

SUGA — You fight and you fight and you only show us when you smile. We know there’s another side to all of this. It’s okay to let your guard down and let us see the side of you that isn’t strong 24/7.

 

HINATA — This is just really shitty.

 

He sent the text without thinking about it, and then waited for the scolding that Suga was probably going to give him for cursing. Instead, he got something else.

 

SUGA — It is, I know.

 

Hinata stared at the message. He honestly expected Suga to tell him something about how he’ll make it through, or how he just has to look on the bright side, just like everyone’s been telling him all this time.

 

HINATA — This has taken everything from me.

 

He sent the message tearfully.

 

HINATA — I was a starter on the best volleyball team ever and now I barely get out of bed.

 

HINATA — It’s getting worse.

 

SUGA — What do you mean?

 

Hinata realized that Kageyama may not have told anyone about his test results, either. He felt a pang of guilt hit his chest, because it must have been painful for Kageyama to hold it inside.

 

HINATA — I got some bad test results back recently so they’re doing more aggressive treatment.

 

SUGA — Oh I’m so sorry. What’s the new treatment like?

 

HINATA — Like the old one but worse. My blood counts are really bad too.

 

There was a delay, and Hinata closed his eyes until he felt his phone vibrate in his hand.

 

SUGA — Is there a time I can come visit? Maybe I can bring Daichi too, since he’s worried sick.

 

SUGA — You don’t have to entertain us or anything, and we don’t have to stay long. We just want to drop by wherever you are and say hello.

 

HINATA — Let’s visit that again tomorrow ok? Hopefully then my counts will be better.

 

HINATA — I would really like to see you guys though. I haven’t had contact with that many people. Just please don’t come if you’re sick okay?

 

SUGA — Of course. Hopefully we’ll see you soon.

 

Hinata didn’t respond to the message, because his stomach began to rebel once more. He put the phone down and rolled onto his side, hugging his belly.

 

He closed his eyes. When would this end?

 

-

 

Suga texted Hinata again the next day, asking when they could visit. Hinata evaluates his health, asking himself if he would really feel any better than this any time soon. Since the answer was no, he told Suga that he could visit whenever he was free. Excitedly, and with four smiling emojis at the end of the message, Suga said that he would visit that afternoon with Daichi. Hinata couldn’t help but feel excitement situate in his chest, a pleasant, fluttery feeling that he hadn’t genuinely felt in a while.

 

Hinata once again insisted on getting up and showering. He felt gross and sweaty and pukey and didn’t want to have that kind of a first impression on his friends, no matter how much they insisted that he didn’t need to shelter them. He freshened up and changed his clothes and it was just in time, too, because the third years must have decided to skip practice because they got there earlier than expected.

 

Suga emerged through the door first, all bright eyes and toothy smiles, and Daichi followed with a more wary look on his face. Hinata sat himself up on the bed as Suga came forward.

 

“Look what I have,” the silver haired boy sang, bringing his hands out from behind his back to reveal a paper bag. “Meat buns!“

 

Hinata inwardly winced, because he didn’t know when he would really be able to eat them, but smiled instead, because it’s the thought that counts.

 

“Thanks,” he said. “You can put it on the table. How are you guys?”

 

“Same old, really,” Suga replied.

 

Hinata glanced over Suga’s shoulder to the anxious looking Daichi, who was looking at Hinata’s IV pole.

 

“He doesn’t like hospitals,” Suga explained with a wave of his hand. “They make him nervous.”

 

“I’m not nervous,” Daichi grumbled.

 

“You haven’t even said hello to him,” Suga pointed out.

 

Daichi trained his eyes on the boy in the bed. “Hi, Hinata.”

 

Hinata chuckled. “If you want to go to the courtyard or something, Daichi, you can. They have a nice garden, and even though it’s winter there are still some cool trees out there.”

 

The captain seemed to relax. “I’ll be fine. How are you holding up?”

 

“Ehh, I could be better.”

 

Suga let out a laugh. “That’s the understatement of the year.”

 

Hinata smiled, because it was nice to have people acknowledging how shitty the situation was. They weren’t being depressed and negative, they were just being real. Was it shitty? Yes. Was it the worst it could possibly be? Absolutely not. Hinata still had his friends and his family, he still had two legs and a working brain, and he was still alive. That was all that he could ask for at this point.

 

They talked and talked, and Hinata leaned back while Suga sat on the edge of the bed and Daichi sat on the chair by the door. It really was a relaxed visit, but it was also just enough to distract Hinata from all the horrible things that may or may not happen and all of the anxieties that he normally had.

 

“Tanaka insists that we call him Baldy Senior,” Daichi said.

 

Hinata quirked a (nonexistent) eyebrow. “That makes it sound like he’s my dad.”

 

“That’s what I said,” the captain replied. “But don’t be surprised if he and Nishinoya call you Baldy Junior the next time they see you.”

 

The first year let out a laugh. “Alright, I guess.”

 

There came a point where the two third years had to leave. Though it made Hinata feel down to see them go, he knew he would need to rest.

 

Surprisingly enough, it was as if the visit was Hinata’s saving grace. Afterwards, since he wasn’t as distracted, he expected to start throwing up and feeling worse. On the contrary, he was actually able to eat and drink a bit without it coming back up. Not wanting to jinx it, he still stuck with jello and broth, even when the doctor said he could have an egg and some toast to see how his stomach would settle.

 

The next morning, a small, light breakfast was brought to him. After eating almost all of it and keeping it all down, the doctor signed his discharge papers. Ecstatic, Hinata picked up his phone.

 

HINATA — I’m going home today!! I think your visit helped me feel better :))

 

SUGA — That’s so great! I’m glad you’re doing better.

 

SUGA — Maybe we should visit more often ;)

 

Hinata smiled.

 

HINATA — Definitely you should.

 

Though this treatment was bad, much worse than the treatment he’d had before, Hinata thought that maybe he could get through this all in one piece.

 

With friends like these, he knew he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t like this story anymore uhhhh bye


	16. party tattoos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saucy boys

Finally home, Hinata lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He took in a big breath, looking at the pattern of white paint above him.

 

He needed to get out of here.

 

He was glad to be home, but the fact that the only two places he ever went were home and the hospital was driving him crazy. He needed a change of scenery, some new sights and sounds and smells.

 

So, Hinata stood, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen where his parents sat at the table.

 

“Can I go to Kageyama’s house,” he asked. “Just for a little bit? I just need to get out somewhere, and I actually feel good today, so-“

 

“Are his parents okay with it,” his father asked. “Because-“ His parents shared a look, then nodded. “If you’re feeling okay, then we don’t see why not.”

 

Hinata beamed. “I’ll go let him know, thank you!”

 

He went back into his room, shutting the door and grabbing his phone to dial Kageyama’s number.

 

“Hello-“

 

“I miss you,” Hinata interrupted. “I need to see you, and my parents say I can go to your house. Is that okay?”

 

After a beat of silence, Kageyama spoke. “Uhm, sure, I guess. No one else will be here all day, so it’ll be fine.”

 

“Great! Bye!”

 

Hinata hung up and rushed around the room to pack a bag with any medicines he might need and his phone charger, and then went back downstairs. His dad, obviously amused by his enthusiasm, told him to get in the car and they were off. Hinata bounced in his seat the whole way there, just dying to see his boyfriend for the first time in a while. Their schedules had lined up just so that neither of them were free while the other one was recently, so Hinata was jumping at the opportunity to see Kageyama.

 

Their car pulled up to the Kageyama household and Hinata jumped from the front seat, bringing his bag with him and saying a quick goodbye to his father. He approached the door and let himself in as he heard the sound of the car backing out of the driveway.

 

“Tobio!” Hinata stood and yelled. “I’m here!”

 

Said boy emerged from the kitchen and Hinata dropped his bag, flinging himself onto him. Kageyama jumped slightly, but wrapped his arms around Hinata nonetheless.

 

“What’s your deal,” the black haired boy asked.

 

Hinata cupped his cheek and looked at his face. “Just kiss me, please.”

 

Kageyama looked unsure at first, but then leaned in. It wasn’t quite as magical as the first time. This time, the kiss was satisfying and needy and almost aggressive. There were teeth clanking together and tongues swirling around each other and Hinata was doing things with his mouth that he never even knew he could do before. Kageyama began to pull away and Hinata whimpered, but looked up at his face.

 

“Well, come on,” Kageyama said in an almost annoyed tone, motioning toward the stairs.

 

Hinata wasn’t sure what was in store for them when they got to their destination, but apparently Kageyama had something in mind. He pulled Hinata into his bedroom and nudged him towards the bed, climbing on top of him. Hinata let himself be held and kissed passionately until he was out of breath. Hinata didn’t know what came over him when he snaked his hand down to grab Kageyama’s bulge, causing the other to jump back from the kiss in surprise. Hinata quickly retracted his hand.

 

“Uh- Sorry, I just-“ he cleared his throat, training his amber eyes on Kageyama’s deep blue ones. “I want you, all of you.”

 

Kageyama’s eyes widened. “I- I don’t know, Shouyou...”

 

There was a moment when neither of them said anything, Kageyama sticking his tongue out slightly as if he were thinking hard. Then the setter smirked.

 

“You know what,” he said. “Let’s do it.”

 

Before Hinata could speak, Kageyama was grabbing at the hem of his pants and shimmying them down his hips. He squealed slightly in amusement and anticipation before realizing something.

 

“Have you ever done this before?”

 

“No. Have you?”

 

“No. Condoms? Lube?”

 

Kageyama nodded. “I, uh... I think I might have some.”

 

When Kageyama got up to retrieve the items, Hinata laughed. “You just happened to have some with you?”

 

“I- Yeah? I wanted to- to be...”

 

“Prepared,” Hinata finished.

 

Kageyama nodded, a slight blush on his cheeks as he came back to the bed and continued to undress Hinata. Once they were both naked and everything was ready, Kageyama looked at him.

 

“Tell me if it hurts, okay,” he said.

 

Hinata nodded and Kageyama began. Hinata closed his eyes as he felt a finger push into him, pulling back out and pushing back in. When a second finger was added, Kageyama came down and kissed his lips, Hinata gripping his hands in his boyfriend’s hair. After another finger Hinata pulled away.

 

“Tobio, please,” he breathed.

 

“You- You want me to...” Kageyama trailed off and Hinata nodded.

 

Kageyama pulled away and pulled his fingers out, getting ready to push into Hinata. He gripped his hips and lined up with him, and when the boy nodded at him, he moved. At the penetration, Hinata’s eyes went wide and he gripped the bedding underneath them, making Kageyama stop.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Mm-hmm,” he said.

 

Kageyama kept going in further and when he was completely situated in, he stopped. After a second, he pulled back and pushed back in, making Hinata whine.

 

“Does it hurt,” Kageyama asked.

 

“A little,” Hinata breathed. “Just- Just keep going.”

 

So he did- he kept going and set at a pace that was slow but strong, and Hinata melted underneath him. Kageyama went in for Hinata’s neck and chest, leaving little marks all along the skin. Hinata dug his nails into Kageyama’s arms and shoulders as if trying his best to keep him there. When Hinata released, Kageyama kept pumping in and out of him until he finished as well.

 

Once they were done, they lay next to each other, Hinata reaching over to grab Kageyama’s hand.

 

“That was good,” Hinata breathed, staring at the ceiling.

 

“Mm-hmm,” Kageyama hummed. “Wanna go get cleaned up?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

-

 

Once the boys were showered and dressed again, they sat on the couch and watched movies, snacking on chips. Hinata sat, content because he got to experience this with Kageyama- an experience that he may never be well enough to have again. An experience that he didn’t think he’d ever have, because he never thought he’d live to find someone he loved.

 

So Hinata was content. He had a great love and that was all that he could ask for in this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was hard to write and i’m sorry if it wasn’t good oof it’ll be relevant i promise


	17. colorful regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i HATE this chapter but it needed to happen, i wanted their relationship to come out in some big fiasco but this is CRAP so i’m sorry future chapters will be better

The day after the boys’ afternoon of shenanigans, it was time for Hinata’s next chemo. The boy nervously got into the car with his mother and they took off towards the hospital. Why was he so nervous, do you ask? It was because the dark hickeys that Kageyama left were just around his port, which would have to be exposed during various points of his infusion today. He had to come up with some sort of plan before it was too late.

 

Hinata wracked his brain the entire ride there and as they walked throughout the hospital, all while they were waiting for someone to come and access his port. He sat nervously, jumping when the nurse came into his room.

 

“Hello, Hinata! I think you know what time it is,” the nurse said, coming towards him with a cart of supplies.

 

He nodded warily and she gloved her hands, getting her supplies ready. He gulped when she approached him.

 

“Alright, now if you could just pull down your shirt a bit,” she said, trailing off in expectance for Hinata to do what he knew what he was supposed to, but he was frozen. “Hinata? Can you pull down the neckline of your shirt so I can access your port?”

 

He spluttered a bit. “W-Well, you see, I... Uhh...”

 

“Shouyou, just do it, what’s gotten into you,” his mother asked.

 

He sighed and pulled down the neckline, exposing dark purple hickeys. The nurse’s eyes widened a bit and she bit her lip, obviously refraining from smiling. Hinata’s mother, however, raised her eyebrows so high they almost disappeared into her hair.

 

“Shouyou, what is that?”

 

“I- It- Uh-“

 

“Are those hickeys?” She asked, voice slightly shrill.

 

“Uh- They-“

 

“What- Where did you get those from? Did you have sex? Who did that?” She shot out question after question, then backtracked. “Did you have sex, Shouyou?”

 

“What? N-No! I- Pfft!” He tried to seem appalled by the insinuation, but she could see right through him. How did this woman know everything?!

 

“Oh, Hinata Shouyou, you just wait until we talk to your father about this,” she said. “Who was it? Was it Kageyama?”

 

“Wha- How do you even-“

 

“I know you’re gay, sweetheart, I’m your mother,” she said in some mockery of calmness. “You better get me his parents’ phone numbers.”

 

The nurse finished accessing his port during their conversation and left, and Hinata almost hopped up at the statement his mother just made.

 

“I don’t even think they know he’s gay, Mom,” he said. “You can’t just out him like that!”

 

His mother took a breath and closed her eyes.

 

“Give me Kageyama’s phone number,” she said.

 

Hinata felt himself pale. “What?”

 

“Give me his phone number. I want to talk to him.”

 

“No, Mom, please-“

 

“Now,” she said sternly, and at the sound of her voice Hinata rattled off Kageyama’s phone number.

 

Once his chemo was set up, he rolled over and tried to sleep, not talking to his mother at all.

 

-

 

Kageyama walked into the club room that morning and began to undress to put his uniform on when he heard snickering from behind him. He turned around and saw Tsukishima and Yamaguchi standing and staring, the former wearing a smug smile.

 

“What have you been up to lately,” Yamaguchi asked humorously.

 

“Just the only thing hotheads like him know how to do,” Tsukishima responded for him.

 

Kageyama raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

 

“Your back looks like a cat’s scratching post,” Tsukishima said.

 

Kageyama craned his neck to look at his shoulders, and sure enough, he could see nail marks all over the skin. He sighed and rushed to get his shirt on.

 

“So,” Yamaguchi said excitedly. “Who is it?”

 

Tsukishima snickered. “I think we all know who it is.”

 

Kageyama stared. “What? Who... Who do you think it is?”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” the blonde said. “Everyone knows you and Hinata have been all over each other for a while now and we all know you’ve been the only one he lets see him when he’s sick. You two aren’t as good at hiding it as you might think.”

 

Kageyama reddened. “Yeah? Well you should stay out of it. It’s none of your business.”

 

The two left the room and Kageyama finished changing. Just as he was about to leave, he received a message.

 

UNKNOWN — Is this Kageyama Tobio? I’m Shouyou’s mother.

 

Kageyama felt a sinking feeling.

 

KAGEYAMA — Yes, is everything okay?

 

MRS. HINATA — I know about what you and Shouyou did. While there will be consequences on his end for being irresponsible, I want you to know that I won’t contact your parents until you feel comfortable telling them about your sexuality.

 

A lump formed in Kageyama’s throat. Logically, he knew his parents would be okay with it- tolerant, at the very least- and with this now hanging over his head, he knew he needed to tell them about his relationship.

 

MRS. HINATA — Shouyou is not to be having sex, especially right now, because his immune system is compromised and it increases the risk of him getting sick. Is that understood?

 

KAGEYAMA — Yes ma’am.

 

MRS. HINATA — Good. If you need anything in regards to telling your parents I’m just a phone call away.

 

KAGEYAMA — Thank you.

 

After putting his phone back in his pocket, Kageyama brought his hands up to cover his red face. Of course, he should have known that with Hinata’s compromised immune system, being so... close, would put him at a greater risk of getting sick. He also assumed that Hinata wouldn’t be having his phone, so he refrained from messaging him.

 

The rest of the day was agonizing, because Kageyama was wrestling with the thought of talking to his parents. Should he do it today? Should he put it off for a little while? Should he just get it over with?

 

When Kageyama got home, he entered the house, ignoring the excited barking of Momo. He approached the kitchen, where his parents were getting ready for dinner.

 

“Ah, Tobio,” his mother said. “You’re just in time.”

 

“Actually,” he said. “Can I talk to you guys?”

 

-

 

“Shouyou, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Hinata’s father said, obviously trying as hard as possible to keep his voice at a reasonable level. The bald boy just sat on the couch, exhausted from his chemo but still taking the lecture that he knew was coming. “What the hell has gotten into you? You’re supposed to be a good role model for your sister!”

 

Hinata sighed. “I know, but-“

 

“I’m not done,” his father said, before droning on even longer about how he needed to think these things through and how he was irresponsible. After several minutes of being told how wrong everything was, Hinata finally had enough.

 

“You know what,” he began in a harsh tone. “What if you knew that you were sick? What if you didn’t know if you would get time to ‘think these things through?’ You’d probably just want to take everything you could get because you love Mom, and all you want is to be with her forever but you don’t know if you’ll ever be healthy enough to do anything like this again, or if you’ll be allowed to even kiss Mom because you’ll get sick too easily, or- or-“

 

He cut himself off because he could feel himself start to lose control over his emotions. Hinata looked at his lap, covering his face with his hands. After hearing only silence, Hinata felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up.

 

“I know what you’re talking about,” his dad said. “I know you’re scared.”

 

“I love him,” Hinata said.

 

“You love him,” his dad repeated. “I know, I get that. I just want you to make good decisions.”

 

Hinata nodded and they sat in silence for a bit. He got it, he did, because no protective parent like his wanted to hear about their sixteen year old was having a secret relationship right under their nose, let alone having sex. He was usually open with his parents, so he knew this probably came as a shock. So when they did take his phone for a while, he didn’t resist. He knew that he’d end up grounded for at least a little while, no matter how much sympathy his parents had for the situation.

 

“Dad,” he said that night while he was laying down on the couch, increasingly close to stripping his clothes off from how hot his body was. “Can I call K- Tobio? I just want to see how he’s doing.”

 

“Sure, just stay out here,” his dad replied, handing him his phone.

 

Hinata found his boyfriend’s contact and eagerly pressed the call button, waiting for him to answer.

 

“Hey, Shouyou,” Kageyama said, sounding weirdly calm.

 

“Uhh, hi,” Hinata said.

 

“Your mom texted me earlier,” Kageyama remarked, sounding almost amused.

 

Hinata groaned. “Listen, I begged her not to, I’m really sorry-“

 

“No, it’s fine,” Kageyama interrupted. “She was surprisingly nice about it. Also...” He paused. “I told my parents about everything.”

 

“What- Everything? You told them about everything?”

 

“Yeah,” Kageyama said.

 

“Err... What did they say?”

 

“They said that they love me no matter what,” he replied. “And that as long as I’m happy, they’re happy. Then they took away my phone and grounded me, but still- it went a lot better than I expected.”

 

“Wait, how am I talking to you right now then,” Hinata wondered aloud.

 

“I saw it was you calling and asked if I could answer,” Kageyama replied. “My mom is breathing down my neck right now, though.”

 

Hinata laughed. “My dad is watching me from the kitchen, but I think he thinks I can’t see him.”

 

At that, Hinata’s dad took a sip of his tea and looked back down at his book.

 

Kageyama sighed. “How long are you grounded for?”

 

“Three weeks.”

 

“I got two weeks.”

 

“What?” Hinata gasped. “How come you got a week less than me?!”

 

Kageyama laughed. “Maybe because I actually told my parents, and your parents had to find out... however they did.”

 

Hinata groaned. “Whatever.”

 

They continued to talk until Hinata’s parents decided they’d had enough of his lovesick ramblings. Afterwards, Hinata succumbed to the sickness he was feeling and went to bed, dreaming of a future filled with nothing but Kageyama and good health.


	18. my picket fence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> entering: Kenma

The next week went by and it was another gap week in Hinata’s treatment. The past few weeks had been brutal, and he was even more frail than before, but he didn’t care because it was just about time for a training camp with Karasuno’s biggest rival- Nekoma.

 

“Mom, you have to let me go,” he said. “Just for one night, please? I’ll only be an assistant manager, I promise I won’t play at all.”

 

“Shouyou,” his mom said, breathing out the name in exasperation. “Listen, I just don’t feel comfortable with you going without supervision-“

 

“I will have supervision!” Hinata basically shouted the sentence. “My coach and our adviser will be there! Come on, please?”

 

“I mean, supervision by either me or your father,” his mother said.

 

“You can call me all the time,” he said. “A-And I’m sure that if you gave Takeda-sensei a list of instructions he would be able to do everything on the list. Please, Mom? Will you at least talk to Dad about it?”

 

His mother looked him over, seemingly trying to find anything out of the ordinary that she could use as an excuse to say no.

 

“I’ll talk to your dad,” she settled on, Hinata making a slight bouncing motion on his toes. “But if he says no, that’s the final answer. Got it?”

 

Hinata nodded fervently. “Thank you!”

 

He knew his grounding sentence wasn’t over yet, but his parents knew that he always liked to make the most of his gap weeks. He went back to his bedroom and collapsed on his bed, eye catching the picture of him and the team that was taken at the very beginning of the season. He still had thick orange hair in that picture, and his skin was glowing and his cheeks were fuller. Regardless of the nostalgia, the picture almost made him even more determined to get his parents to let him go to this training camp.

 

After several minutes of contemplating, Hinata decided to go back downstairs to find his dad and convince him, as well. All too late, though, because when he opened his bedroom door he was met with the person in question standing in the hallway.

 

“I was just about to knock,” his dad said. “I want to talk to you about that training camp you want to go to.”

 

“I think it will be a great opportunity for me to get out of the house in a safe environment and get some extra activity, since I-“

 

“Whoa, there,” his dad said, holding up both hands. “I was going to tell you that you should start packing a bag, because you can go for as long as you can tolerate.”

 

Hinata bounced on his toes again, unable to contain the excitement in his heart. “Really? Thank you!”

 

With that he shut his bedroom door and got out a suitcase.

 

“As long as I can tolerate...” Hinata mumbled to himself.

 

He figured he’d just pack enough clothes for the entire week. It was better to be prepared than to not have enough underwear, right?

 

The day of the training camp came and Hinata’s mom pulled the car up near the bus. Hinata hopped out of it and opened the trunk, trying to haul his suitcase out but failing miserably.

 

“Need help?”

 

Hinata turned at the voice and saw none other than his boyfriend staring down at him. The bald headed boy dropped his suitcase and tightly embraced Kageyama.

 

“Does anyone know I’m coming? It’s supposed to be a surpri-“

 

“Is that Hinata?!”

 

Suddenly a group of boys was surrounding him. People were hugging him left and right, asking questions and saying greetings. Through the chaos, Hinata tried to look for his mom, and found her talking to Ukai and Takeda with a rather stern look on her face. He’d have to remember to apologize to them later for how intense she is.

 

“Are you coming with us,” Tanaka asked loudly.

 

“Yeah, I am!” Hinata couldn’t help smiling broadly as everyone cheered.

 

The boys all loaded onto the bus, Hinata’s mother fussing over him up until the very last second. When he got onto the vehicle, he stopped by Yachi’s seat.

 

“Did you bring what I asked you to,” he asked.

 

She nodded, grinning vibrantly. “I think I got the best shade they had.”

 

“Thank you so much,” he praised. “I owe you.”

 

When Hinata sat down in his seat, Kageyama looked at him with eyebrows raised.

 

“What were you and Yachi talking about?”

 

“I asked her to get an eyebrow pencil so she can draw some on for me,” Hinata said. “I also brought my wig.“

 

“Why,” Kageyama asked, looking almost disappointed. “I think you look fine the way you are.”

 

“Just so I can be normal for a little bit,” Hinata replied. “The other team doesn’t know me, so I can pretend for just a little while that I’m not sick, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.” The boy leaned back on the seat. “I’m just your manager who is in perfect health.”

 

Kageyama scoffed. “Alright, whatever you say.”

 

The bus drove and drove, and drove some more. Hinata got nauseous and ended up hunched over a toilet when they took their first pit stop, but this trip was all about perseverance, right? He took some medicine for motion sickness and hopped back on the bus, sipping his water and leaning on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Hinata was sure that if the team didn’t know they were dating by now, they must not be paying any attention at all, so he didn’t exactly have any shame in sneaking a kiss onto Kageyama’s jaw.

 

The bus arrived at their destination after dark. Hinata was shaken awake by Suga, and he looked to his left to find Kageyama rubbing the sleep from his eyes as well.

 

“You guys sleep well?”

 

Hinata nodded while Kageyama shrugged and they all grabbed their bags and unloaded the bus. Kageyama had to help Hinata with his, and the shorter boy felt guilty for making him carry twice the amount of luggage. He didn’t seem to mind, though, and they got to their dorm much quicker than they would have if Hinata had tried to carry his own suitcase.

 

They set up their futons and Hinata sneakily pushed his and Kageyama’s closer together. When they laid down that night, everyone chatting quietly before lights out, Hinata couldn’t help but hold his boyfriends hand.

 

“You know, Tobio,” he said. “This is kind of the best day I’ve had since Christmas.” Kageyama hummed a little in acknowledgment. “It’s like... With you I can be normal. I’m not just sick, or something. I’m still me.”

 

“You’ll always be you,” Kageyama mumbled, eyes shut. “Especially with your tacky speeches and your goofy smile.”

 

Hinata grinned, feeling a blush spread across his cheeks. “I love you.”

 

The lights turned out and Kageyama tiredly muttered something that vaguely sounded like, “I love you too.”

 

-

 

“Alright, boys! Get running!”

 

The coaches shouted words to their players as they did their warm ups, Hinata standing on the side with the other managers. Yachi has drawn on his eyebrows that morning to look as natural as possible, and he felt that he looked strange with his wig on. It was some newfound limbo between healthy and sick- dark rings still present around his eyes, but head no longer bald.

 

It was no matter, because he was here and whether he was participating or not Hinata intended to have a good time. He watched Kageyama run up towards the head of the bunch and balled his fists, thinking about how incredibly strong his boyfriend was. Sadly, Nishinoya ended up pulling ahead at the last second. When the boys came back around, Hinata grabbed the setter by the wrist.

 

“You’ve been slacking,” he said. “Since when is Noya faster than you?”

 

“I’m not slacking,” Kageyama said, scowling. “Maybe he’s just been working harder.”

 

“Whatever you say,” Hinata said with a smile. “If you don’t do well in the practice matches today, I’m revoking kissing privileges.”

 

Kageyama gaped, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Then he pursed his lips. “Fine.” As he walked away, he began to mumble. “I’ll show him...”

 

The boys spent a few more hours in the gym, practicing all kinds of receives and passes between the teams before it was time for lunch.

 

Just Hinata’s luck, they were having barbecue. Since he started chemo the second time around, certain tastes and smells tended to turn his stomach- and the smell of barbecue just happened to be one of them. When he walked into the cafeteria, he stopped in his tracks, knowing immediately that he needed to find somewhere else to hang out until lunch was over.

 

“Tobio,” he said quietly. “I’m not feeling too well, can you bring me something in the dorm after you’re done eating?”

 

“Sure, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Hinata said, smiling while his tongue started to stick to the roof of his mouth signaling that he was about to start gagging. “Just make sure you bring me everything except the barbecue.”

 

With that, Hinata got out of dodge. As soon as he stepped out of the building and the scent was gone, he felt a hundred times better. He figured that it would be a little while before Kageyama would meet him in the dorm, so Hinata went to explore the campus. The weather was starting to warm up and the snow had long since melted off the ground, but he hoped the cold weather would come back. He always liked looking out his window and seeing snow falling.

 

While lost in thought, Hinata rounded a corner and bumped into a body that was taller than his. He stumbled backwards and began to fall, but the person steadied his shoulders. Hinata made a quick recovery, regaining his footing and looking up at the person who had blond hair with dark roots and catlike eyes. Hinata was mesmerized for a second before the boy broke his concentrated gaze.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Hinata started. “Me? Um, yes. You?”

 

“Yeah,” the boy said. “I’m Kenma- Kozume Kenma.”

 

“Hinata Shouyou,” he replied. “Just call me Shouyou. You’re part of Nekoma, right?”

 

“Yes,” Kenma said. “I’m a setter.”

 

“Wow! My boyfriend is Karasuno’s setter,” Hinata beamed. “I’m a mid- er, I’m a manager. I used to play, but I got sick, and had to stop.”

 

“Hm,” Kenma hummed. “I was sick when I was a kid. It kept me from doing a lot of things, too.”

 

Hinata raised his eyebrows. “What? What did you have?”

 

“I was born with a heart defect,” Kenma replied. “I had a couple of surgeries when I was a baby, then I had a transplant altogether when I was a little older.”

 

“Whoa,” the redhead said in wonder. “You’re fine now, though?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Kenma said. “I’ll probably have issues when I get older, but for now I’m fine. What about you? What do you have?”

 

“Oh, uh...” Hinata hesitated. “You can’t tell anyone on your team, because I’m trying to see what it’s like to be ‘normal’ for a little while, but I have cancer.”

 

Kenma got a bit quiet at first, as many people did, but then nodded. “How is your treatment going?”

 

“Not too great, but it could be worse,” Hinata said, smiling. He pointed to his hair. “This is a wig and my eyebrows were drawn on by our other managers.” They were silent for a time before Hinata spoke again. “Why aren’t you eating? Do you not like barbecue?”

 

“The smell turns my stomach,” Kenma said.

 

Hinata grinned. “Me too,” he said. “Ah, Kenma, I think this could be the beginning of a long, wonderful friendship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all KNOW i had to put some hinata and kenma friendship in there. the next chapter will be a continuation of the training camp!!


	19. not a chapter

hi everyone. 

 

im really angry at myself for basically giving up on this. i always promised myself that i would never do that, but here we are. i do have some excuses though. 

 

in march it was discovered that my house had dangerous amounts of water damage and mold growing underneath the floors. we were told to leave while the floors were ripped up (as well as some of the walls) and the mold was taken care of and things were rebuilt. we thought it would only be a month or two, but we were wrong. 

 

my mom and my sister and and i spent three months in a hotel (one room, two beds, tiny area). then our insurance started paying for us to stay in a townhouse which is where we’ve been the last two months. 

 

theyre mostly done rebuilding, but the problem is that they’ve left the floor open for so long that mice got into the house and have been multiplying and chewing up furniture, clothes, and mattresses. they want us to go back there at the end of august, but there’s no way we can stay there with the state they’ve left our house in. 

 

we’re figuring out the logistics of moving in with my moms boyfriend (though my sister already went back to college so it would just be me and my mom doing so). 

 

everything is just a mess, there’s some other stuff that happened as well that i’m not going to mention here, but this is the biggest part of it. i’m so sorry for this, but i don’t think i can do this story anymore. some other stuff has happened and i just hate this story and i don’t think i can salvage it at this point.

 

this work will be orphaned so it can still stay up. if anyone wants to continue it somehow than you can. 

 

im sorry.

Kags. 


End file.
